It’s “A”sian not “B”sian: Growing up having Asian parents
“You’re a piece of garbage.” Can you believe that this is what my mom said to me whenever I messed up a test or forgot to do chores? I’m sure that this happens at least once in a lifetime to almost every Asian kid I know. I am now used to being verbally insulted by my own mother. Even worse? A lot of other Asian kids don’t realize that they are on the same boat with me. They think that’s common sense, that they deserve to be treated like that. Asian parenting may sound harsh, but what if these parents are onto something?
In Yale Law Professor Amy Chua’s Wall Street Journal article “Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior,” she claims that Chinese parents pressure from Chinese parents actually motivates their kids to perform well since they are coerced into a strict, direct and strong education. According to an Else-Quest study of American tenth graders, Asian-Americans outperformed all other ethnics groups in math and science. Have you ever wondered why most Asian kids do well at school? It is a common assumption that it is because Asian kids have an innate advantage in IQ. However, academic success is the result of long and enduring efforts, and definitely not something innate. Therefore, I believe that it is the unique characteristics of Asian parenting that help their kids academically excel in class.
What makes Asian parenting different and how does that difference result in success? I have enough background to tell you one thing that distinguishes Asian parents: their bluntness. Instead of teaching self-love like most Western parents do, Asian parents choose to criticize their kids with hurtful and offensive comments if they do not perform well at school. “Garbage” and “a disgrace to the family” are some of the most prevalent terms used by Asian parents to humiliate their kids. Even when their kids do a good job, Asian parents are not likely to be satisfied. This brings about flashback of my high school life back in Viet Nam, when the workload was literally a nightmare. I had to manage to keep my test scores above the class average, and my classmates were all highly competitive. Despite peer pressure, I tried to nail every exam to make my mom proud of her daughter. Eventually, after getting in the top ten of my class, I expected her to be happy for me. Instead, she said: “Maybe the tests were too easy? You shouldn’t too be conceited.”
I was shocked.
After all my efforts, she made it sound like what I did was a piece of cake, like anyone could do that. Asian parents are inclined to make their children think they are not good enough and should try better with every next attempt by ignoring their efforts. To Asian parents, nothing is enough. Sometimes, I feel like Asian parents take our achievements for granted. Well, maybe because we’re “A”sian, not “B”sian, we’re supposed to get an A for every test, not even an A-.
Now that I’m enrolled in college in the U.S., it’s easy for me to observe the huge difference between American and Asian kids. While my American peers are more likely to complain about workload from classes, Asian ones tend to handle them without any difficulty. This is because we are used to being put under pressure in their harsh education environment. What is more, American students seem to be more easily triggered by criticism. On the other hand, Asians are frequently exposed to disheartening comments from their parents from early ages, which is mainly the reason why they are not as fragile as their American peers. I remember one time when my roommate’s parents were so happy and told how much they were proud of her as she bragged about a B on her Sociology test. A B on Sociology? A B on a test? “If you mess up another test, then stop wasting our money and get back to Vietnam!.” That would be my parents’ reaction.
People might think that I’ve been negatively influenced in such a harsh hierarchical environment. I admit that this technique can be risky in terms of the kids’ mental health. What I mean by risky is that they could be depressed by their parent’s pressure. However, I am now used to pressure from any source. I’ve learned to be stronger, more responsible and more ambitious in life. I do think that this kind of parenting is effective. Amy Chua is right — parents love their kids, Asian ones just have their own way to express their affection towards them: harshness.
