I’m an Idiot

WARNING: This is fairly lengthy and probably does not make sense. I am not very good at writing. I suck at transitions. I am very bad at them. I also wrote some harsh sentences about community college I know are wrong. These thoughts written down are just my gut feelings, in all of its ugly forms. Also, trigger warning for suicide. Please forgive me.

I am a relatively young individual, I’m starting my first year of college this year. I love learning and I am genuinely fascinated with my major and want to know more. My problem is, that I am not intelligent. Of course even as I type this I can think of the many things you, the reader are thinking.

“What even is intelligence, and how do you know if you do or do not have it?”

“You can string a sentence together, so you’re fine.”

“There are different kinds of smarts!”

I get it, intelligence itself is a complicated issue and I am not about to get into that discussion. We will just follow the definition that our society has created for us. When you think of a “smart” TV character, who do you think of? Sherlock Holmes? Sheldon Cooper from The Big Bang Theory, Spock? Aside from all their names starting with an S, all of these men are undeniably another S word: smart. Of course not of these characters existed in real life and therefore, are an impossible standard to try and achieve. I am simply saying that when we create stereotypical “smart” characters, we come up with the same template; high IQ, witty, logical, and analytical. I do not have any of these said traits, and I am incredibly jealous of those who do.

As I mentioned I am starting college this year. I did not apply to any schools in my senior year. I knew I would be rejected from all of them. I did terribly in school, and I am incredibly lazy. So I’m going to where a lot of failures end up. I am attending a community college about 45 minutes away from my house so I do not run into anybody I knew from high school. I am ashamed. I am sure my parents are embarrassed of me and I am embarrassed of myself. I keep my college a secret from most people I know. I can name all of the people who know where I go to on my two hands. And that’s too many people. I plan on transferring in two years. My dream school is Georgetown. But that is all it is. A dream. And if I cannot transfer to my dream school or any of the other ones on my list, I will not know what to do. I have thought about suicide, simply because I cannot imagine living with the shame of not going to a good school. I think there is a lot to be said about going to a “good” school. I have never heard anybody say: “There are a lot of idiots at Columbia University.” But I know most people think there is AT LEAST the possibility of there being a lot of stupid people at your local community college. Trust me, I heave read and heard all the well meaning phrases about my situation from a, “It’s OK!” to “You’re saving your parents a lot of money!”

I cannot do much because of my stupidity. And I know some might say or think that there is no such thing, that if I put in enough hard work I can do whatever I want to do! *Insert rainbow here* I understand the intention and rationalization from it. But you are not me. And simply put, I have made up my mind. Most of the sentences I say or write do not make sense. When I speak, I am constantly thinking what my next sentence will be and if it makes sense. I am terrible at math. That’s the logical and analytical part of the brain that has completely abandoned me. And is that not how the world views intelligence? People will say that this is only one type of intelligence. And while that may or may not be true, that is what YOU believe. I would bet so much money that most people in the world would agree with the definition of intelligence that has been provided to us.

I hate living as a stupid person. I do not have much to offer to the world. I believe that doing good in the world is my purpose and I cannot do much good if I do not have a brain. As I am typing this, I have realized I sound a lot like the Scarecrow in the Wizard of Oz. Smart people get things done in this world. And it’s OK to admit you lack intelligence. It’s at least being honest with yourself. The worst thing I can think to do to yourself is lie.

If you feel the same, please respond. I have scourged the Internet and yet to find others with my situation.