How I’ve embraced my insomnia to adapt a sense of self
I have had insomnia for the majority of my life. It’s not something that I’ve considered to be a bad thing until I became a (true) adult who has to be at work at a reasonable hour. I say ‘true’ because when I was a teenager, it didn’t matter that I couldn’t sleep. In fact, I preferred to study and play my video games at night. Now, however, I face a constant battle of the ‘in-between’ on an almost daily basis. At 25 years old, it’s no longer a simple refusal of sleep; it’s a challenge in itself.
So then, what does insomnia mean to me? It means a hurricane of thoughts, fragments of memories, the heavy weight of anxiety, a quick pounding of the heart. It means that I will probably be tired when I wake up. I would try and sleep, lay for hours, and just feel the frustration build.
Fortunately, I’ve learned to change that mindset into something much more positive. I am by no means ‘cured’ nor am I saying that what I’ve done to help myself will help you. But I wanted to bring them to light anyway because I work at a tech company that is driven by ideas and production – I can’t always show colleagues that I am fatigued. So I’ve made some small changes that I know are good for me mentally and emotionally.
One. I drink waaaaay more water now than I used to.
Believe it or not, I have to remind myself to drink water throughout the day. I was maybe drinking 3 cups max a day, which I now see as laughable. Being hydrated constantly makes a huge difference – dehydration can cause anxiety as your cells feel a general sense of worry to your subconscious mind, which sometimes cause depression. So now I refill the tumbler I have on my desk every other hour.
Water isn’t the only thing that I’ve started drinking. I’ve started drinking boat loads of tea as well. I probably drink 3–5 cups a day. My favourite tea makers are David’s Tea and Lamill Coffee.
Two. I’ve consciously opened myself to more spiritual things.
I’ve always been a spiritual person, but I think it’s a kind of intangible connection that I’ve always felt. I wouldn’t say that I practiced any specific ceremonies in my adult life, until I realized that I actually feel better doing some of the little things.
I carry 3 crystals with me everywhere I go: Rose Quartz, Smokey Quartz, and Dalmatian Jasper. The Rose Quartz represents peace, emotional healing and, unconditional love. My Smokey Quartz is for stress release, protection against negativity, and detoxification. I carry my Dalmatian Jasper for grounding, protection, and transforming negative energy. On very difficult days, I place them above my bed to help me sleep. It gives me comfort.
I spritz my ever reliable Saje’s Anti Stress Mist in Unwind every night before I go to bed and the smell relaxes me. A lot.
Three. I paint and draw to unwind.
I love to paint and I love to draw. These are two things that have been consistent in my life. I don’t particularly think I draw well but I do love to do it anyway because in those minutes or hours or days (depending on how complex the piece is), I forget about everything else and I concentrate on literally painting in the lines. It’s legit hard to colour within the lines and I don’t know why we ever let kids do that! I wonder if that’s why a lot of us feel out of control when we aren’t perfect.
Four. I hate socializing but I love being surrounded by creative minds.
Last night, I went to the Vancouver chapter of Ladies, Wine and Design. I signed up for this way back in November and I was so stoked to see an email from Sasha, one of the organizers. It was honestly so easy. It was intimate. The conversations flowed so beautifully about being a woman in a male dominated industry, about our fears of not being good enough, about how we can give back and share what we know to our community. I have lots more to say about this because it was truly an awesome experience. But I’ll stop here because I do want to talk about this in another post!
Nerd alert. I love whiteboarding. This is a term I’ve come to live and breathe over the last 3 years. In my day to day, I am constantly solving problems, presenting designs, getting feedback, and refining. It’s a process of repetition and I kind of like that for the most part, I am in front of a whiteboard, sketching out ideas and making diagram of sorts. Seeing data points on stickies excite me like no other!
When I am stressed and anxious, I make time to do more of these networking events or pairing with another designer to bounce ideas off them. It’s a great way to feel good about yourself and your work.
Five. Reading is something that I will always treasure in my life.
So, when I can’t sleep I try and read. My first instinct is always Netflix or Youtube but I realize now that watching videos don’t help my brain shut down. It stimulates it because if I watch a crazy show, I think about it all night. I know it shouldn’t affect me but it does.
I grew up reading. Every single person in my family is a bookworm. It’s probably the coolest thing we share, even if we do read different genres. I read everything from graphic novels to fiction, and I’m no longer afraid to say that I have recently taken up more books about self-healing and self-expression. Whatever it may be that I’m reading, I completely lose myself in the images and words — this means I’m not worrying about anything except for what’s about to happen on the next page.
Those are just some of the things that I’ve started doing in the last few months. I still have insomnia; I still have anxiety. But writing these and making an effort to be open to new things is I think a great step towards being okay. Of course it’ll take time to become 100% whole again, but I hope that if you are in the same situation, my words and experience inspires you to seek the unfamiliar and find what feels right.
