The Necessity of No

I originally started off this essay talking about the recent murder of 29 year old Janese Talton-Jackson, but that was before I logged into Medium and discovered that several writers had already done a rather thorough job of reporting the event and conveying their disgust over the continued violence against women. I, for the most part, agreed with what was written. For that reason, I withdrew that essay from submission to a publication and started working on a different kind of response. While I believe we should never grow weary of saying what is right and just, I can see how one might begin to give up on things, believing that the evil in this world is winning out and there is nothing we can really do about it. The “teacher side” of me, however, has hope. I believe we only lose when we quit, so here’s my new essay.

It has become painfully apparent that for a certain kind of man, a woman’s life has little to no value beyond his own pleasure. To be honest, it seems as if very little can save women the discomfort and humiliation of unwanted male attention. Many girls and women have already learned to deal with the experience of being “cat-called” and approached in the neighborhood or in the hallway on the way to class, even before they are teenagers. Some of us who have experienced this demeaning treatment are taught by society, in many ways, that it is a fact of life because “men will be men.”

It is as if men who engage in misogynistic, controlling, and domineering behaviors believe that the responses of a woman should be shaped by a man’s expectations. Thus, if he expects her to listen, she must listen. If he expects her to talk to him, she must talk to him. If he expects to have sex with her, he can put a drug in her drink and well. . . Never mind what she wants.

Where do these men come from? Are they raised by women who are victims of abusive partners? Or single men who distrust or hate women? Perhaps they are the orphans of domestic violence who raised themselves on the memory of a crime scene. Because it is not something that can be easily explained by anyone, are we to merely hear of yet another horrible story, pausing only to pay attention at the height of the sadness, making the loss of life in vain?

Though I am sure most of us who heard the horrible events surrounding the recent death of Janese Talton-Jackson are horrified and saddened, I believe we all can do much more to be proactive on this issue. In fact, instead of merely reporting and perpetuating the vicious cycle that nourishes unhealthy relationships and social behaviors between men and women, it seems we should be investing in and cultivating healthier social habits, expectations, and changing an ultimately inimical culture for our young boys and girls alike.

That said, it is no longer acceptable to convey the idea that behaviors like cat-calling is a rite of passage for boys and a fact of life for girls. Neither is it rational for us to continue sending the wrong messages to boys and girls about “men being men.” We cannot continue to expect boys and girls to grow up with appropriate values and attitudes when they have been taught to accept what is not appropriate.

We must change the culture and convey that change to our children. For too long their models for behavior have been based on “do as I say, not as I do” with nothing but a plethora of bad examples pushed at them through the media and television. It is unfair that we expect our boys and girls to master behaviors that we as adults, have not modeled well or those we have not modeled at all. It is for this reason I believe we must begin to teach our boys AND girls “the necessity of no.”

Essentially, we must do a better job of preparing our young people for “no situations” before they find themselves in those situations in the real world.

Well, what does that mean?

1. It means we show and tell our young people about good choices, while at the same time offering examples and alternatives to bad choices and negative behaviors.
2. It also means we need to begin to allow our young people to actively practice appropriate alternative responses and behaviors.

As a teacher and coach, I’ve found that role playing is a participant-centered activity that commands the participant’s attention while engaging him or her in appropriate behaviors or even inappropriate behaviors in an environment where they can be corrected. That said, I believe there is great value in role playing with our youth in and outside of school. It gives them the opportunity to create and recreate what they can’t actually visualize for themselves. It also allows a parent or mentor to help our boys and girls to process and discuss emotions that may arise. This activity also creates opportunities for “do-overs,” something the real world rarely affords.

What should we role play with our kids?

1. We must continue to teach our girls to say, “no” in situations where they want to say no and should say no without them having to become fearful of retaliation.
2. Every girl should also have the opportunity to practice saying, “no,” in much of the same way we teach them how to say, “yes.”

We teach girls how to say yes to the proposal, yes to the date, and even Yes to the Dress and they often dream of saying yes, and often practice saying yes. But we, as parents and mentors, must also prepare them for various “no” situations:

“No, I don’t want that drink.”

“No, I don’t want you touching me.”

“No, I don’t want your attention.”

No, I don’t want to have sex.”

In turn, there are some ways we can also teach our boys the necessity of no.

1. Every boy should also be allowed to practice saying “no” in situations that could be inappropriate or dangerous for them. This empowers them to resist inappropriate/insensitive responses to potentially life changing situations.

“No, I don’t want you to send me inappropriate pictures.”

“No, I don’t think it’s a good idea if I drink alcohol. I still have to get home safely.”

“No, it’s better if we stay in here with the group. I don’t want either of us to be in a bad situation.”

“ No, I don’t think any less of you OR me just because you don’t want my attention or affection.”

2. Boys should also be allowed to practice accepting “no” as a final answer in as many different situations as possible, especially socially. By formulating and role playing appropriate responses to no, we give our boys tools that allow them to more easily navigate situations that they, in the past, may have perceived as embarrassing or upsetting.

“Okay, I understand that you’ve said no and I can respect that. It’s cool.”

Of course some will criticize this type of coaching and/thinking with our young people. They might believe it’s an inorganic and unrealistic way for young people to experience the world and life in general, but prison is real, death is organic, and both are realities. I, personally, haven’t heard very many solutions to the type of violence that seems to be showing up in the news every day.

While we all realize we can never get back the life of Janese Talton-Jackson and the countless other women who have lost their lives to violent men, there is a great deal we can attempt to do to impact the proper socialization of our boys and girls so these occurrences can one day stop altogether. Impressing upon them the necessity of no may just be the start we need.