Of Insecurities & Anxieties.
Watch your step, you might fall.
Don’t walk alone, something might happen to you.
Don’t be too hard on yourself, you might get hurt.
Don’t be like that, people might find you weird.
Don’t take that, it will consume you.
All of these don’ts and precautions had always made me constricted in doing anything. Yes, supposedly it’s a heads up for me to be careful but now it had made me paranoid over everything.
I realised this this when I’m with a good friend of mine when he asked for my help to do something that requires me to go picking up something by myself. I told him I’m afraid to go there by myself. And he said that “you’ve always been scared of everything but now try and go and actually do it and help me, please”.
That sentence actually changed my life — for awhile. I’m still the fragile girl, I’m still afraid of a lot of things and I still have those anxieties and insecurities.
It seems like I’m one of those paranoids. And I’m also afraid of this too.
I don’t want to be who I am now. I want to be carefree and brave. I want to speak out and just take my chances over anything.
But somehow it’s not possible for me to do so as my surroundings do judge everyone. And the last thing I want is to be judged.
I’m also really afraid of my future, (who doesn’t?) but by the looks of our era, it’s hard to cope with the inclining changing of economy. The people of my age had their breakthrough by being an ‘insta-famous’, ‘twitter famous’ or in modelling. And I’m not beautiful enough to have a successful career in the category.
I’ve became anxious thinking about my future as I still don’t know what is my talent or specialty. And all ever did in my life is studying and I’m not even good at it. I’m the second class or average student in school – since I was in primary school. No matter how hard I tried to go beyond my capabilities, I’m still in the group.
And now I’m taking a degree in Electronic Engineering in my country and I even barely could cope with this too.
I’m sure most of you might think this is just a post of ‘another girl who is whining about life’ because all I’ve been doing was complaining.
But trust me, this is my life that I’ve been constantly being worrying about.
To overcome all of these, I constantly remind myself that everything will be better, everything will be in place and everything will be beautiful then. And I do hope that I’ll be doing something that I absolutely enjoy and especially not being pressured by the company that will hire me – if there is any.