Feminist Terrorist

Shechops
Shechops
Jul 23, 2017 · 4 min read

The infamous “lady-oriented” film ‘Lipstick under my Burkha’ is finally out, and excited about the opportunity to watch something different, and encourage brave cinema, my sister and I decided to rally everyone in our joint family, to watch it.

Unfortunately, with reasons ranging from — looks boring, to I’m not interested in listening to women’s fantasies right now, to I find this boring like you guys dislike action films — somehow not one man was interested.

Disappointed but still hopeful, we decided to give it a last shot. With a few whatsapp messages on the family group we attempted to make the following points:

  1. Much of the world is determined by men and their perspective, making such films rare, particularly in India. Films affect culture, they are important influences
  2. All of us are conditioned by patriarchy, including the women, and maybe this is a chance for all of us to learn something new
  3. Even if we already think of men and women as equal, and are accepting of and know what the film has to say, its an opportunity to enourage such cinema
  4. Women are not ‘free’, there are still limitations set upon us, and it can be helpful to engage with such conversations

Seems we really went too far, because the responses we got are:

  1. Be the change, don’t try to change others.

Unfortunately patriarchy affects us all, and changing that requires some change in all of us. In any case, this was not a request saying — you are men and you’re bad people so you need to watch this movie and change — it was a request to see a new perspective, one that you may not encounter usually in life.

2. Don’t force. That’s how opposing forces are generated. This is how wars start.

Firstly, who is forcing anybody? Why are conversations perceived as force? This is our family and we thought we have the right to voice our views and make a request. It’s gone rejected, that’s okay. But should we not have even opened our mouths?

The only opposing force that would be threatened by what we were requesting in any case, is patriarchy itself. And we don’t need to be reminded of its tendency to violence, thanks.

And wars. There is a certain kind of forcing and violence taking place every 15 minutes in our country, since eternity, and no war has started in response. So its clear where this threat of violence will come from. Maybe something for us to reflect on.

3. This is all fine, but my problem is you women go into victim mode.

Interesting. So if we need your support, how must we go about things. Hand us a script. Because it seems more than the issue at hand, our tone and manner and words are of greater concern.

Has anyone asked us — Why do you feel like a victim? Why do so many women feel so strongly about this? Why are you a feminist? — Nope. But advice is at the ready — why do you look down when you walk on the road. If anybody does something, take off your shoe and beat him up — Thanks, I didn’t think of that.

4. The problem is you are all reacting. This is all a reaction.

Firstly, reaction is a basic human tendency. When you are oppressed or victimised, you will react. Sure, maybe that’s not the most sensible way to always deal with life, but its human and it happens, and we need to be compassionate about that. We don’t always know what it feels like to be in the place of the victim.

Secondly, this was a request to go watch film. Nothing happened that this was a reaction to. Now if there are 50,000 problematic things going on in our society, anything a woman says on the subject can be dismissed as a reaction. It’s convenient.

5. You become like a terrorist.

Really now? We got a little aggressive in our request, maybe spoke a little more than you wanted to listen to, and you extend it to terrorist. You wouldn’t call a rapist a terrorist. The hypocrisy is astounding.

Icing on the cake is when my mother decides — you aren’t listening to them, you’re making it a fight. Conclusion — I am an aggressive, reactivated person tending towards terrorism, forcing people to change themselves instead of being the change myself.

Over a request to watch a film.

Ugh. At the end of this all, there’s this feeling of defeat. What was the point and where was it taken. We discussed nothing of gender or patriarchy and what can actually be done about society. And I come from a family that generally holds liberal values, and respects its women.

It also feels like it would be impossible for men of my fathers generation to ever just be allies to a women’s movement, without attempting to take it over. Because its all done wrong, and they know the ‘right way’. Unfortunately they have too much on their plate to actually talk about it or do something about it. This compulsion to lead can be dangerous. It doesn’t leave space for the humility to recognize that maybe I do not know something. That’s why there are no questions asked or conversation around this at all. Only resistance when some woman even bothers to open her mouth.

Disappointed, frustrated, but will try another day.

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