I Don’t Care — “A Voice From The Past”

Whenever I hear this voice, I know I have no choice. To either care or go into the past and to relive again events I cannot control. Not having control over my Life, Body and Mind is an unforesaken series of events that I couldn’t control growing up. But now I am slowly gaining control over the facets of my Life that I couldn’t control growing up. I sometimes fail to distinguish, that when I live in the past in this present moment, I will continue to be stuck and struggle to free myself and will continue this VICIOUS struggle of self hatred and torture that comes along with this voice.
I always care, but would sometimes not take the actions that would show myself and others the measure of my commitment to relationships and myself. Not caring also kept me from getting hurt, both physically and emotionally. And as I found out there are a lot uncaring Fuckers in this world, who have tried to steal parts of my talents away from me. This self defense mechanism is still useful from time to time, but a new era has dawned on my Life I believe!
But still this voice holds a sway over me. It’s power still controls my being. Sometimes I know how to overcome the shrill of this voice — Take Action! But I am still gun-shy on many issues and some circumstances around me. My health problems make my thinking foggy and body placid some days. But “I don’t care” keeps stuck in my past or maybe I am also looking forward to the future with my eyes from the past and not my eyes I cultivated with a strong spirit in the present? What you may ask does this/my “voice” tell me not to care about? Sometimes it’s the most simplest of acts, like washing the dishes or watching T.V. for an extra 30 minutes (when I have other responsibilities). Or in the most insidious of acts of self sabotage like trying to answer an email and making me censor every word I write (when I’m just trying to be myself). Sometimes I won’t even start writing the email because I feel that I won’t be able to convey what I think. And this voice (“I don’t care”)sometimes even shuts down my creative process when I’m trying to create art, even if I am only an amateur.
I “shouldn’t” focus on the Psychological aspects of this voice, but I feel I can’t solve or get rid of this echo in my head. So maybe trying a new approach may continue to push me forward and make me conscious of this obstacle in my Life.
Brett Drummond

This is what I’ve been telling this voice after I have written this article!
