RIP Chester
07/23/17

I literally felt this way yesterday for “ no good reason” except that hormones or chemicals were in control. No amount of water, breathing, walking, healthy food or positive habits could remove the waves that came crashing in. But, I wrote, a lot, and I was happy about it at the end of the day because it is something that I’ve been wanting/needing to do. My brain gets sick, makes me anxious. But my mind can keep me from identifying with the glob of chemical reactions that seem to take over my body. The mind, the observer, is the true self that can appreciate the tool (the brain in this case) and recognize it for the double-edged sword that it is and use it for good instead of as a weapon.
I truly believe that the difference between those that end their lives and those that don’t is drugs and addiction. I’ve seen it too many times. Depression and anxiety are real and difficult to live with, regardless of the unique triggers or solutions for every individual who struggles. But compulsive tendencies that lead to addiction coupled with drugs sought to relieve the struggles of depression/anxiety are a bad mix. These drugs, whether legally prescribed or not, are dangerous to the compulsive and struggling because they disconnect the emotional self from the body. Sounds like a great idea if the emotional self is the one struggling and in control of the problem. But it is not, it is the buffer. The brain is what needs to be controlled, not the emotions we were given to express ourselves. When the drugs come in and turn off the emotions, or the expression of them, people can often look at their zombified friends and loved ones and think they are ok now. But the brain habits and the thought patterns are still there but now without any emotional support to deal or to cope. The brain says “ stop this” and the body serves its master without consulting the middle man to see what he can do.
I am not a dr. but I know what it’s like to feel trapped in my head and for my emotions to seem out of control as the only coping mechanism. But I am thankful for my emotions. If someone you know is expressing theirs, regardless of how overwhelming they may be, let them and embrace them and listen. If or when the emotions cease to be expressed from a body connected to a brain known to have some bad habits, then worry. The brain might win and you might miss those emotions one day. Help them find those emotions to buffer the pain until the brain can be reprogrammed. I believe drugs do make you loose your mind. What we need to loose are our unhealthy brain patterns. I don’t have all of the answers to that, but some temporary ones I will share if asked.
Until we have a real solution, I ask those who struggle to keep talking and those who don’t to keep listening. I’m sure we can all be on either end of that relationship on any given day. Own your role, your thoughts and emotions. But, do not identify with or attach yourself or anyone else’s true self to those fleeting tools of the human experience. Embrace the tools and let them entice you to do deeper. Don’t be afraid of the depths of our human souls. It’s the only thing worth exploring or understanding. It’s the only job worth showing up to do.
