“Pardon my life this time, I’ll swear off future crimes — lighten my soul.”

Typically speaking, follow-through has been one of the most challenging aspects of my life. As recently came up in therapy, I wonder what it is that I do enjoy in life and whether or not, as evidenced by numerous addictions, if I’m just chasing dopamine. This blog, still in its infancy and thus still not a practice of any kind, is an experiment in building that follow-through. This entry in particular is focused on that (as are all subsequent entries, really). Specifically, however, this is following through on a theme introduced in the previous entry on religion.

The first entry on religion was a brief one that essentially listed songs that speak to me on the theme of religion and cast a light on my experience with them. The list was taken from one I created on apple music. The one exception of songs that is not directly about religion is Sleater-Kinney’s “Jumpers” which is about suicide. Suicide is an important concept, but rather than go down that rabbit hole, the immediate connection of Sleater-Kinney and this entry is Carrie Brownstein. The lyrical title to this entry is from the song “Future Crimes” by the band Wild Flag on their one-off album Wild Flag released in 2011. Ms Brownstein was a member of both bands and that band occupied a space between the Sleater-Kinney hiatus of 2006 and their new album in 2015.

The year 2011 was a pivotal year from me. The playlist, titled “irreligious” has titles and songs mostly familiar to me prior to 2011 but was not compiled until perhaps 2013 or so. This song is the most recent entry chronologically and came to mind immediately after hurriedly typing that entry, the introduction to the theme of religion which will take some time to explore.

The band Wild Flag and this song in particular gave me hope in 2011. In 2010 a dramatic rupture began in my life, perhaps the 2nd or 3rd at that point (the others being 1999 and 2003, respectively). September 16, 2010 was when I had my gastric bypass. The band Wild Flag would not make itself known as a concept until after that surgery with the album eventually dropping on September 14, 2011. During their run I was fortunate enough to see them twice (11/2011 and 4/2012, respectively). The band was a unifying factor between myself and my sister, as we were both Sleater-Kinney fans and had seen that band in concert in 2005 in Santa Cruz.

The song Wild Flag is known for, if they are known at all, is “Romance.” The album has 10 songs and there were some other unreleased material. One of the unreleased songs which I wish had been placed on the non-existent second album was “Nothing.” The song “Future Crimes” is a manic, desperate plea of some sort and while not directly religious at all, except for the mentioning of “pardon” and “soul.” In fact, my analysis of that song as one seeking redemption may make the band cringe.

At that time I was new to sobriety (having stopped drinking in April of 2011) and was flirting with the idea of running (I became a regular runner in September of 2012). The song “Future Crimes” clocks in at slightly over 2 minutes and speaks with a desperation and a cadence that I have indeed played it on loop and ran to it, noting that during moments of speed I can complete more than a quarter mile during its duration.

The desire to be pardoned, to have my soul be cleansed, to that my nerves were “inside out” that there were voices like a “bark, a shout” that I couldn’t “turn it down or make it quiet.” Carrie sang it at both concerts with that same desperation, intensified by her own theatrical performance style.

In the past 5 years, though I do enjoy that song immensely, it comes during times of hypomania and addictive tendencies/breakdowns. The song “Future Crimes” has become a symbol of distress and despair, of being backed into a corner and ready for battle.

The purpose of this blog is to not be called a liar. Hopefully in the coming entries there will be less expository and more focus on the issues of the day and developing the theme of religion. The specific subsets to be explored are that of my family’s religious background and my atheism; my religious crises (1999, 2001, 2003, 2007, 2011) and how the last led to confirmation as an Episcopalian; the role of religion in my life as a member of a 12 step group; my attraction to Buddhism and practicing mindfulness; how each of the songs contributes and exemplifies more concrete thoughts on religion; and finally the intersection of religion and homosexuality.

After all, “If you’re gonna give up on the fight, then I’m going to call you a liar.”