Painful feelings

So sometimes when I feel shit I go in on myself and quietly self destruct, other times I make a big deal out of it and everyone knows about it. In those times I feel genuinely horrific but nothing comes close to the other feeling. I have no word to sum it up and it’s hard to explain but it is fucking soul destroying everytime.

When my mind is going a million miles an hour and I want to talk but I can’t force any words out. Silence annoys me but so does tv, music or any sound at all. I can’t stop moving but don’t want to move and I can’t lie down or get up and do anything else involving movement. Being alone is horrible but I can’t stand the sight or presence of anyone. No one can do anything to help and neither can I. I want to hurt myself but can’t find the energy for it.

There is no trigger that causes it and no reason or explanation. There is nothing wrong but everything is wrong.

I can’t even explain how excruciating it feels.