This Is My Story

Not many people can say they made the best decision of their life when they were 22.

I had just moved to San Francisco and broken up with who I thought was the love of my life. He was manipulative, abusive, and 12 years my senior. *Insert clip of Mona Chalabi speaking on heteronormative age gaps.*

I am the same age today that he was when we started dating. The thought of me going after a college sophomore makes my stomach turn.

“You’ll be allowed to start dating when your 80, but you can get married when you’re 30.” It was an ongoing joke starting at a young age with a punchline I didn’t understand. I guessed ‘dating’ only meant ‘fucking’ and couldn’t mean ‘seeing if we’re compatible one on one.’

There’s a man’s voice in my head saying “I used to be a boy that age and I know what they’re thinking. Trust me, they only have one thing on their mind.”

…cool. Pretty sure I was in 5th grade the first time I got that ‘advice.’

I met my ex through work friends. We’d all go to coffee after work multiple times a week and bowling every Sunday. And when he found a seat near me, or reciprocated my flirtation, or asked me about my background, I felt an electricity race through my body that made me dizzy. Sometimes I had to excuse myself and go to the bathroom bc I was shaking. I was FEELING things and it was very new and electric and adult. And secret. Because I was only 19 so I wasn’t allowed to date.

I remember the first time he told me he loved me. I said, “What?” Questions flooded my brain. //wait what I don’t really know if I’m in love with him yet. I really like him but…does it happen that fast? where did he go to college again? did he even finish? do I know anything about him? I think he lies to me but he said he wasn’t and he brought me flowers after he yelled at me for asking him a question so maybe I’m just crazy. everyone always called me crazy. ya I’m probably crazy. if he loves me then we’ll get married so this is actually allowed right? wow I’m lucky he loves me even though I’m crazy. I did it! this is what I’m expected to do, find someone who decides I’m good enough// He laughs. “I said I love you…”

“I love you too.” We kiss. //shit//

I was sitting in a Denny’s with my friend, Leila, watching him walk across the parking lot. I couldn’t even look at her when I said “sometimes I think things are moving way too fast and I have no idea how to slow it down.” And then he walked inside.

Fast forward 3 years and 2 periods of incarceration.

It was over when he called me a drug addict because I tried Adderall for a final. Prior to that, he had called me a bitch, whore, insecure, and annoying. He shoved me against a wall once in public. He drove my car drunk, crashed it into a parked car, and I took the blame for it because I didn’t want him to go to prison again. Maybe I had already decided to move to San Francisco ‘for a new adventure before we settle down’ on purpose. To have an out. I could avoid him if he didn’t know where I lived.

I was at my new OBGYN for a routine check-up when my pregnancy test came back positive. //this is not my story// The next day I found out I was 11 weeks pregnant. We broke up 6 weeks ago. //this is not my story//

I didn’t want to leave San Francisco. I didn’t want to move back in with my parents. Would they even let me? I didn’t want to quit school — I finally knew what I wanted to do. I didn’t want to be linked to my ex for the rest of my life. I didn’t want to look at my son’s face and resent him for looking like his father. My ex’s DNA was in my body and it made me feel trapped all over again. //this is not my story//

“I want to schedule an abortion for as soon as possible.”

This is my story. I’m a 32-year-old producer, performer, and activist. I’m the cool traveling Armenian Auntie that gives the kids too much money for graduation and defends them when adults try to get them to grow up too fast. I throw incredible parties, personally and professionally. I bake from scratch and sew like my Grandmother. I tell people I believe in them as often as possible and invest in stocks like my Grandfather. I’m an educator like my Mother and a natural with tools like my Father. I work for abolition. I believe children deserve to be told the truth, spoken to like the intuitive and impressionable people they are, and allowed to date. I believe teenagers need to learn how to be with someone and then break up with them when they’re no longer happy in the pairing. I believe parents need to teach their children to have an inherent respect for bodies and boundaries.

And I absolutely never shut the fuck up. Because I owe it to her — to the version of me who lived in a place where she didn’t have a choice at 11 weeks— to speak up and stay loud. To fight for those without access to the privileges I had. I will always be the friend to tell you your partner is treating you like shit. I will always put the girl who pretends to know me in my car to get her away from the guy following her. I will always say “that’s inappropriate” and “don’t touch me” or “she said to leave her the fuck alone.”

There is no doubt in my mind this would not have been my life if I was forced to see my pregnancy to term. I’m certain I would have loved my baby and built a decent life for us, but I’m also certain that my ex would have made our lives a living Hell at any given opportunity. And I would never let that broken asshole hurt my baby.

So yes, the greatest act of love I have ever committed and the absolute best decision I have ever made, was my abortion.