I quit my job without another job.

Seven months ago I quit my job without another one lined up. All this time I wanted to write about my experience, but all my attempts never felt right. Early drafts were too depressing, indignant or self-righteous. So, I waited.

Basically, I waited for the stages of grief to pass. At first I gave myself a proud pat on the back — I did it! Not long after, the victory spoiled. I experienced more Oh, fuck me! Did I do the right thing? moments than I’d like to admit. On my first week unemployed, I freaked out over every single dollar spent. I grew manic thinking about what new careers were possible. Anger, fear and disappointment festered.

All these shitty feelings were normal. And after allowing myself to cycle through them a couple of times, I told those miserable voices to shut up. There was no room for insecurities to corrupt my time off. There was only space for goodness.

I’ve worked for free and for damn good money. From small mom and pop restaurants to large corporations. All the experience and friendships gained from each role are a true privilege in my life. I’m forever grateful for every single opportunity given to me.

Yet after reflecting on each position and employer, a truth radiated — every job has some bull shit that you have to work around or get over.

Try as you might, you can never only do your job without getting involved. Some folks don’t mind shuffling around the B.S., so long as they get paid. Some have the good fortune to not see it at all. Some are devastated, paralyzed by it. Some set to change it. Some orchestrate and feed it to others.

I’m guilty for doing all of the above at different points in my life. But I can’t ignore the awful stink of bull shit for long. The odor becomes so strong it follows me home, and then I try to take the bull head on. Going down this road is exhausting. Once I hit a wall, and I always do, I have to take a step back to consider what I’m working for. If things change for the better, do I even want what’s on the other side?

This time I made a choice to opt out of the bull shit completely.

I’ve quit jobs before, but never without another source of recurring income secured. To do this was to muster all my courage to take the risk. It was prioritizing my mental health. It was admitting I was stuck on a career ladder I was no longer interested in climbing. It was an ultimatum with myself, because I was so unfulfilled. I craved a different life so badly, I had to kill the one I was living.

At times, I tried to look and had plans to dust off the resume to go on the hunt, but failed. I couldn’t jump to another job again. I just couldn’t fucking do it. Then I tried to start side businesses and couldn’t stay focused on my free time. It was impossible to clear my head, heart and soul enough to figure out what should be next. There was too much background noise.

I thought it over for almost a year, talked it through with family and friends. I said the same script over and over, to the point where some grew tired of the conversation. Deep down I was trying to convince myself that my reasons were valid, that this wasn’t madness. In reality I knew I needed to shut up and start walking the walk.

Finally, one bold and scary day, I did it. I put in my notice without self-destructing from nervousness, and growth quickly followed.

Symbolic photo of growth I took in Mexico City, June 2017

Many folks in and out of work were surprised at this decision. I received overwhelming support and encouragement. People asked expected questions like what my travel plans were, or when I intended to find work again. Then there were controversial questions I fielded throughout my last few weeks.

To share a few (since I still find them so fascinating):

1. “What are you going to do to pay your bills?”
2. “…Are you planning to have kids soon?” After I showed pure confusion over this question, the follow up was, “You know, you’re traveling, right? Get travel out of your system and then have kids…?”
3. “What does your mom think of your decision?”
4. “Is this your Eat. Pray. Love?”
5. “What will you do with all that time? Won’t you get bored?”

Did you cringe, shake your head or laugh as hard as I did over some of these questions?

I’m still curious about the prompt for these questions. They reveal how counterculture it is to leave the security of employment. It would be acceptable if I resigned from one fantastic job for a more promising one again. It would also be OK to break the mold if I was birthing a child in my immediate future. But there was clear negativity towards quitting a job without another job.

A few conversations left me feeling that some folks didn’t believe me, as if I was hiding where I would work. Others clearly wanted to make me feel like I didn’t know what I was doing. I felt perceived as irrational and impulsive to leave the responsibilities of life. Some forwarded articles on how I would depreciate in my financial self value with X amount of time off. People were so uncomfortable that I was going to nothing.

For a more positive reframe, it sure as hell made folks curious!

I cut ties with working because I wanted to take a break. Period. The decision shouldn’t be an enigma!

Let’s view work as a romantic relationship. I determine my partner isn’t right for me. He’s not completely awful, but he’s not amazing either. As hard as I try, I can’t see a future with him. There’s no burning excitement when we’re together. Often times, I’m miserable and drained trying to improve the relationship. So what should I do? What would we recommend to a person in this situation?

Should I spend my free time looking around to secure my next partner, so I can abandon my soon-to-be ex-lover? I would only leave my relationship now if I get a better guy with more perks. I’ll dive into this new relationship and give it my very best shot, hoping this time it will be different.

Or should I say goodbye to the relationship, and take a break before my next one? I could give myself space to increase my confidence, happiness and figure out what I want in my next partner.

In this scenario, if I were to leave this mediocre affair without another man lined up, no one would judge. I’d applaud anyone with the courage and good sense to not settle and recalibrate while single.

Obviously, a romantic relationship and a job are not identical situations. My goal is to bring awareness that it’s OK to opt out of the bull shit without a new employment lover lined up. It’s perfectly alright to take a break.

If voluntary unemployment is something you want, but you’re scared or think it’s too great of a risk, this is normal. My biggest advice is to take a deep breath, shine a light on all your fears and doubts to get familiar with them. Write them down, say them out loud and talk with someone to get it out of your head. Concrete fears are always easier to face.

Second, think about all the positive outcomes from taking a break. Envision the best possible scenario if you made that leap. Why do you want it? How long will it be? What does it look like? What does it feel like? What would it mean to you if you achieved it? If you want to do it still, then take another breath and plan your exit. Sort through all your options. Strategize to cut down the risk. Work hard to make it happen.

Life is fucking short. Be intentional. It’s possible.

Oh, and to quickly answer those silly questions above:

1. I will pay my bills with money that I worked for and saved.
2. Whoa. Nope. I’m traveling to travel, not to have a baby afterwards.
3. First, my mama is none of your business. Second, what she thinks doesn’t determine my decision to leave a job or not. Yours shouldn’t either.
4. HA! I’ve never read Eat. Pray. Love. or seen the movie, so not sure? I do love eating and loving, though.
5. Bored? I do everything I longed to do while working. Like sleeping a full eight hours a day, every single damn day (life changing!). Waking up without an alarm, especially on Mondays. Reading. Writing. Creating. Reflecting. Working out. Going to the beach to put my toes in the sand for a few minutes. Solo hikes. Cooking every single meal. Exploring new careers. Starting a business. Day trips on a whim. Traveling for weeks at a time. Leaving without a return flight. Finally achieving one of my biggest dreams ever. The times I am bored are peaceful.

With all this and more, I’ll never regret following my gut to just quit and explore the unknown.

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