How can we achieve truly meaningful conversations?

We have conversations with people every day. In meetings, in the family, with friends, even with strangers. Sometimes we engage in small talk, but most of the time we want to get more out of these conversations: Insights, ideas, agreement on a topic, alignment on a way forward, unity.

To achieve any of these, we need not just conversations, but meaningful conversations.

What is the difference?

In my (very humble and very underdeveloped) experience, the difference between “just” a conversation and a meaningful conversation is that we can feel the difference during the conversation and at the end of it.

Meaningful conversations…

• start with a common purpose (everyone knows what the conversation is about and what it should achieve)
• include all viewpoints in the group
• give everyone a voice, also people who are less outgoing or more inhibited
• focus on truly listening to and understanding the different viewpoints, no matter how diverging
• are focused and «in the moment» (everyone is really participating actively, no distractions)
• let people be authentic, able to show their insecurities and vulnerabilities without blame
• have a person (if the conversation includes more than two people) who takes on the role of facilitator rather than participating in the conversation (or at least putting this role above the own participation)
• understand that individual viewpoints are not about «winning the argument» but about creating something new and productive using all opinions and ideas of the participants

Meaningful conversations are not easy.

Over the last year, I had about the same amount of frustrating conversations (trying to have a meaningful conversation but stumbling over my own inaptitudes in controlling my ego, distressing emotions or just the dynamics of a conversation gone sour) as well as really elating, fantastic experiences, where the conversation in a group led to more insights, solutions that everyone would rally behind and a feeling of true alignment.

There are so many things that can get in the way of having a meaningful conversation, and it is good to know that each and every one of them can lead to difficult situations and how to deal with them

• lack of purpose (if you notice, try to clarify the purpose or to bring it again to the attention of the participant)
• tired participants (breaks, drinks, snacks all can help, but also ending the conversation and continuing it when everyone is rested)
• participants who are worried or preoccupied (if you notice such tensions, they can be either addressed or silently acknowledged, cutting the participant some slack for irrational or moody behavior, for instance, or again, postponing the conversation)
• stressful times (eg. December)
• ego of participants (something that needs to be addressed gently over and over again by all people in the group)
• ego of facilitator (facilitators need to debrief with themselves, with another participant or with a peer to deal with ego issues)
• unskilled facilitation (unskilled faclitators need to be able to train their facilitation skills, so that is ok, but make sure that unskilled facilitators facilitate conversations where the stakes are less high than in crucial conversations)
• too high complexity of the issue discussed (try to break it down into smaller topics)

For 2017 I want to improve the quality of conversations in all areas of my life, and I would love to hear about your experiences in doing this, too!