What makes a conversation meaningful?

For this blogpost, I first looked for possible images representing the topic of meaningful conversations. I looked in my own collection, I did a google search, visited well-known stock photo sites. There was nothing that convinced me.

Interestingly, en lieu of images there are a lot of quotes about the importance of good conversations. There are some really good ones, too! This one in particular captured my attention, and I thought for a long time about it:

It made me think because I believe it is true. Having a deep, meaningful and inspired conversation with someone you value deeply can be an extremely fulfilling thing. But I am drifting off. So I was looking for images about good conversations and they seem elusive. At least, there was nothing that really fit my inner standards that I have come to construct around the idea of a truly meaningful conversation. Not in art, not as a photograph.

That struck me as interesting. Maybe deep conversations are something really rare? Or maybe they are very hard to really capture in an image? Probably both.

As someone interested in excellent collaboration between humans I have come to value meaningful conversations more than anything else, more than any tool, method or process (and I am really, really fond of all of them).

Because it is the quality of conversations between humans (along with the ability to take decisions together) that will ultimately make the difference between poor collaboration, average collaboration or excellent collaboration.

And while even between two people really good, deep and meaningful conversations are an art form that takes a lot of practice and willingness from both sides, a meaningful conversation among a group of more than two people is the true state of the art.

I have made it part of my purpose to find out what meaningful conversations are all about, to learn about them, to practice and improve them myself, to enable others to practice and improve them, especially in groups who want to improve their collaboration.

This is really just the beginning of that journey. I am interested in exploring ways to make meaningful conversations easier for groups. I am collecting evidence, examples, stories, anecdotes about what makes conversations meaningful, or less so.

So while I am deeply invested in the topic, I am far from being an expert in it yet. But from the experience I have gained in my work as a collaboration and innovation facilitator over the last years, there are a few things I can already list as elements of a potentially meaningful conversation.

I am sure there are significant differences between 1:1 conversations and group conversations, but I decided for the time being to list all the things that seem important to me without making that distinction already.

I guess a conversation can be meaningful without saying «check» to all the items on the list. But if you cannot tick off a critical amount off it, your conversations might not yet be as meaningful as they could be.

Also, below the list are a few things that really threaten meaningful conversations, and with it the possibility for good decision making and good collaboration. If you encounter conversations with one or more of these problems, you might want to take some action to eliminate these points (which will take time and willingness from everyone in the group).

So here goes:

a conversation becomes meaningful…

• when we are ready to learn something new.
• when we are willing and able to detach ourselves of our own ideas and are offering them to the other person or group with an open mind as to what will happen with them.
• when everyone listens more than they speak
• when we ask questions to understand each other better
• when we are expanding on things the other person or persons have said
• when we are able to «read the room» to find out what the mood of the group is and raise awareness to that if necessary
• when not every moment is filled with talking — silence for reflection can be a valuable element of a conversation
• when speaking time is fairly distributed among participants
• when everyone listens also to the small and shy voices and values their contribution, however short and ineloquent it may be
• when everyone considers it possible that they may not have all the information, or may be mistaken.

What destroys meaningful conversations

• when hierarchy or perceived hierarchy is part of the conversation
• when people do not feel safe to be vulnerable, open and honest
• when anyone participating in the conversation is shamed, ridiculed or belittled
• when people are pushed to agree, take a decision they are not ready for or are threatened in any other way
• when there is too much time pressure

I am looking forward to sharing more insights as I progress on my journey. Feel free to feedback and expand on my list.