FROM MY BOOK:
AMERICA:WALLETS, BULLETS AND ROSES
CONSERVATISM IS SOCIAL DARWINISM
2/ 25, 2004
It was Ash Wednesday in the Catholic tradition. Like thirsty sheep, the flocks rushed to the spiritual fountain, we were seeking forgiveness for our sins. As I was walking to the church, I almost got run over by a devout. He was racing another for a parking space; while feasting on my wife’s well- rounded breasts. Jack, that’s O.k. You may run me over; I know you will be remembering me in your prayers. You might even try to find what hospital I would be at to send me a bouquet of flowers. And in case you would go to my house, during my hospitalization, for a cup of coffee with my beautiful wife, do not be surprised if upon your departure she would ask you to take the garbage out. That will be her way of saying thanks for dropping by. If still pleased to be in her company and plan to re-visit, she might ask you to fix our terrace’s leak that has left the white walls of the laundry room with many yellowish stains. Ah the rewards of false ecstasy!
— Speaking of ecstasy, let’s not forget that hallucinatory drug our genius researchers discovered. It can oppress the post- traumatic stress, they claim. Did we need to waste time and money to create such a drug? A small dosage of opium can do it; and the new Afghanistan grows millions of tons of it. Yes, the production of this great tranquilizer has tripled since America had occupied that poor country. Thanks America for keeping the world dosed up!
— I have problems not only with the far religious right, politicians and scientists, but also with our economists. Yes, I am talking about and to you Mr. Alan Greenspan. I have lately witnessed you turning into yellow. Indeed, your mind has long ago lost its youthful vision. Wish you would have succeeded becoming a musician; your growing old in creating music would have enchanted many hearts, old and young. Let’s take a close look at your latest policies of economy. Yes, I am protesting your proposition to cut our social security to contain the national deficit. Sir, your lack of common sense will create many ulcers in the stomachs of over fifty million senior citizens. The social security for 50 percent of us is in the range of $600 monthly. Could anyone live on this amount in a society that sells everything, included the stars of heavens? It is needless to mention that the price of bathroom tissue has doubled since last year. Well, Sir, worry not, tree leaves and smooth small flat rocks will do. After all, bathroom tissues are a commodity to which only the rich are entitled under your austere economy.
Sir, still the complaint against your latest policies remains legitimate because of their domino effect. In reaction to your drastic proposition the airlines industry is contemplating new ways to earn more money; it is unsafe to count on the federal government’s rescue. Therefore, it is quite reasonable to expect the following policy: a small rear will cost $85, medium $150, large $250 and $350 for an extra-large. They might even amend: All of the above ticket prices are valid fro and to any State of the Union until further notification. Under tighter austerities, the tickets will eventually be priced by a fixed- rate per pound.
But to any darkness there is a silver line. Due to the squeeze of our social security, besides the reduction of our medical benefits and the rising cost of living, we the poor senior citizens, will soon have small buttocks; only abundance of food makes big ones.
But even a silver line has its darkness: such miscalculated travelling policies will force the majority of Americans to revive the golden age Horse- drawn carriages. And that will affect not only the airlines industry but also many other related industries as well. Worse, the panic might branch out to other unrelated industries. In fact, such a trend had already taken precedence in some of our barber shops; as the cost of a haircut depends on its length. And that prejudices people of curly hair as barbers need to apply hair softener to estimate its length; another extra expense for the poor like myself and the millions of my dark skinned brethren and sisters-I had been already a fatality of this trend. If this trend in the haircut industry continues, we will become a nation of gurus with long beard but no piety. Unfortunately, it wasn’t our choice to grow long beards, and that will allow nostalgia to bite us, although we are known to be a well- groomed nation; long ago we had said goodbye to the jungle man.
And forget not, the implementation of such austere policy would force the senior citizens to eat dog food and that will inevitably lead dogs to starvation. Even that will not register a victory for us senior citizens; we need the kind pets for psychological support to fight the stress of loneliness that scars our old age.
And Voila´, Mr. Genius in economics, or economically genius, you have ultimately created an economy of Russian roulette. Sir, if this is hard for you to comprehend; be consoled, the nation is already falling in love with restoring antiques. I mean all kinds of antiques from furniture to the fishing rods left by our beloved forefathers to help meeting our basic needs. Because of this economic attack on the helpless, today I raise your color from green to red.
Mr. President, since the buck stops at your office, would you please consider firing Mr. Greenspan and give a chance to Madame Silvia Brown; her crystal globe predictions might save the country from this chaotic economy. If you find no merit to my suggestion, don’t worry, Sir, I will tell my children to tighten up their belts to survive the upcoming lean fifty years. But may you remember: pulling it all to your wrong way is never the right way.
The infamous proposition uttered by the Chief of the Fed, may give rise to this question: “what would you give up to save your financial independence and where will you be travelling to celebrate the feast of Resurrection this year?
And I reply: Thanks to the doom and gloom created by our great leaders, I shall give up on humans and seek refuge in a jungle. There I shall apologize to its beasts for the many transgressions of the past, and thank them for accepting me as part of their herds. Thereafter; I will start the long and tedious journey unto myself, and that’s the true celebration of an eternal feast of Resurrection; no more menace of hunger and hammers.
In spite of all the- above-mentioned social ailments, America, we, the people, love you and have great confidence that tomorrow you will do better than today. Yes, darling, you are still a beacon of light and hope to a world full of darkness and despair.