I’m just as lost as you
“Am I doing it right?” “I don’t know what I am doing.” “Being an adult is hard.” “Adulthood na scam.”
Nobody told us adulting this adulthood would be this challenging and back-breaking. All we knew about turning 18 was that we could finally chill with the big boys, toss away our school ID cards and flaunt our driver’s license instead. We knew that we could confidently get a drink at the bar without being questioned, get dumped behind bars if we misbehaved and finally move out of our parent’s house — I mean, your parent’s house if you’re in any part of the world besides Nigeria.
I have spent over five years as an adult (leave me, I will not disclose my age), but I kid you not when I say I am still trying to figure everything out. I used to wonder why the older generation never gave us a heads up on how things work down here; now I know better. Gen Z, Gen A, Gen Q, Gen Multiverse of madness, Millennial, Gen 0.1, Gen infinity; everyone is still trying to figure out how this works. Unfortunately, there’s no manual, ehmm, past questions — maybe. When someone is kind enough to permit you to steal a glance at that, kindly let me know.
The only thing that made sense in my life as of April was my job and the fact that I was travelling. Then, in May, I resigned, and the next thing in line that made sense was that I was relocating and starting school. It’s June, but it still doesn’t make sense. I mean, it’s good; I feel psyched about expanding my skill set and getting to work with my colleagues and actual clients, but I’m drained because I’m still job hunting, I’m not doing most of the things I want to do, and there’s still no motivation to do them whatsoever.
I know, I know. Maintaining sanity at this age requires that we take a break sometimes. Not everyone gets the chance to, and I should be grateful. I need this break from work; I need the quiet, but being without a job has made me feel useless. I am not even a workaholic, and I despise stress, but I feel like the rest of the world is moving, and I’m just stuck in the same spot. I have crossed off some things from my bucket list for the year, but there’s still so much left, and I can’t bring myself to do much right now. Wo, I don’t know what I am doing!
Am I being lazy? No. I really want to work. I have worked on a few gigs and my first Canadian gig, but I wasn’t psyched to do them; I just had to force myself to finish them up because there are bills to pay and goals to smash. I love writing and marketing, and I get this thrill when I’m assigned to work on projects. But, recently, it just feels like we have lost that spark, like a couple in a long-running relationship; it feels like we need something to spice up this relationship.
I act like I know what I am doing, but brethren, I am lost; I don’t know what I am doing. But fake it till you make it, innit? Sometimes if you ask me where I plan to get to and how I intend to get there, I’d give you a breakdown of it all, and sometimes if you ask me the same question, it feels like I don’t honestly know what I want. I love being in the creative space, but it feels like I can’t make the kind of money I want from being here. I have no interest in tech whatsoever, but they say the money being made in that industry is hooge. Like a well-built 6-pack chested man, it is tempting me big time. People make it big in this industry, right? So I guess it will eventually work out fine.
Adulthood is a journey, a long, tedious and annoying one. A bulk of adulthood entails discovering and rediscovering yourself, trying it all till you find what works best for you — taking risks, challenging yourself, being daring and hopeful. Shedding premium tears over loses, celebrating wins, experiencing moments of self-doubt, significant breakthroughs and major setbacks. But, at the end of the day, we owe ourselves happiness and success. Nobody will push, nobody will baby you, hold your hand every step of the way, and nobody will give you free money. Laslas you have to keep on trying even when it feels impossible.
I do not have it all figured out; I only try giving everything my best shot. What I do know is that life doesn’t present us with unlimited chances to have the things we want. Hence, I jump on every opportunity that’s in my favour. I don’t know what lies ahead — but I believe every baby step counts, and so far, you keep on moving; eventually, at some point, it will make sense and you will navigate the right route…I think.
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