Why making friends will never be the same.

The whole process of making new friends, maintaining old friendships and the very meaning of friendship itself has changed fundamentally over the last few years. This paradigm transformation can be attributed to a variety of factors — social media, rapid economic growth that has lead to cutthroat competition and a globalized world driven by increasingly materialistic pursuits. Whatever the reason, it’s hard to deny that friendships are becoming more shallow and less meaningful over time. All of us, including myself are privy to this phenomenon.

Today, we see friends more as acquaintances of convenience and we are often motivated by self interest and our personal ambitions. Far too often, we equate friendship with an exchange of favors. Unfortunately, such a selfish world view has become quite necessary for survival and success in modern society. We tend to devote less time and effort to building and developing relationships with people. Even when we do make new friends, it’s difficult and rare to find people with whom you can be entirely honest and frank with. We are always restricted by social conventions, afraid to say the wrong things and too uncomfortable to be your true self. Apprehension and fear of rejection are always around the corner. Over time and with increasing familiarity, of course some of these barriers will break down. However, given the fast pace at which life moves today, we may never find true best friends. People tend to be ‘friends’ even with people whom they don’t like or even despise. And back stabbing and back biting follow. We think, “Why make enemies when we can act like we’re freinds?” Isn’t life far too short to waste on such fruitless and emotionally taxing ‘friendships’. They only serve to create an atmosphere of uneasiness and dormant distrust that finally erupts into full blown animosity. Then why do we do this? Perhaps it’s because we have come to define friendship in a very different way.

We need to fully come to terms with the fact that having a few good friends is far better than too many ‘namesake’ ones. In a world where friendship has often been reduced to ‘Snapchatting’ one another, exchanging likes on Facebook/Instagram and other mundane actions; it’s difficult to imagine what it must have been like without these new gifts of technology. Of course, one can’t deny that social media does have enormous benefits and in most cases, its merits outweigh its demerits. But are we compromising lasting, meaningful relationships at the cost of this increased convenience and luxury? Today, ‘friend-making’ has become a professional skill — a means of expanding our network of connections through social networking. This has become an integral part of our obsession with self promotion and building our personal brand. This may do wonders when it comes to furthering our careers, but we also lose out on opportunities to make more fulfilling friendships.

One year of college has forced me to think long and hard about this. Last August, I was thrown into a huge sea of students with diverse interests and backgrounds. It is an amazing opportunity to start over and make new friends. However, after a while I grew tired of the same old, artifical conversations with other new students. To be honest, I have never seen or talked to several of the friends that I made during Welcome Week. The closest friends that I’ve made have been mostly from my dorm and a few of my project based class. Even then, I still find it difficult to gauge who my real friends are, the ones who’ll be willing to help me out in difficult times and who truly understand me. After all, it’s easy to mistake familiarity for friendship. I guess it’s partly my fault too; perhaps I need to be more outgoing, more honest in my conversations and spend more time in strengthening bonds with friends.

Atleast for me, I’ve found that time and regular interactions are necessary to form strong friendships. Such circumstances are difficult to come across, especially when everyone is caught up with so many of their own obligations and commitments. I imagine that things were simpler in the past, when life in general moved at a more relaxed pace and it was perhaps easier and more natural to form genuine friendships. The most frequent reminder of this is when I look at the friends that my parents have had for years and decades. From work colleagues and old neighbours to college mates; the level of comfort, honesty and lack of pretence that they share with one another is heartwarming and exemplary. At the same time, it’s also a little disheartening when I know that I will probably never make such deep relationships. When I watch my favorite television shows like F.R.I.E.N.D.S and House M.D., I realize that such friends are merely fantasies, almost impossible to attain in real life. After all, can you really imagine having a friend who’s as loyal and forgiving as Dr. Wilson is to Gregory House, or as fun, hilarious and trustworthy as Phoebe, Ross, Rachel, Monica, Joey or even Chandler?

Another prospect that truly scares me is the transitory nature of friendships. As much as I would like to have lifelong friends, it doesn’t seem like a very realistic goal to me. People will constantly move in and out of our lives, life will keep marching forward relentlessly and it becomes almost impossible to keep in touch. I have already experienced this during my freshman year of college, my circle of close friends keeps changing from one semester to the next. Maybe, I just have to accept this as the new reality of life and try to make the best of a situation that’s ideal. One of my best friends keeps telling me that she doesn’t take friendships too seriously; she holds the belief that our closest friends will always be our immediate family members. Perhaps she’s right, they’re probably the only ones who will love us unconditionally from the beginning to the end.

This post may sound cynical and pessimistic. I worry that some of my friends might find this alienating. For the most part, I consider myself to be an optimistic and cheerful person. But even I cannot help but despair at the fact that friendship has lost some of its innocence, purity and charm. Having said that, we should never stop trying. Cherish the valuable friends that you have right now, and always keep yourself open to new friendships. You never know, that ‘one-in-a-million’ best friend might be right around the corner.

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