this is how it feels like.

the first time i heard you say my name, i felt something within me snap. i’m still not sure what, but that set off a ripple effect — ever since then, each word rung like a welcome chime in my head, reminding me that once you had entered my mind, you never really left.

perhaps my first thought in the morning, and the very last thought i have each night, reek of you. it’s disgusting. i’ve spent so much time finding the idea of affection repulsive; yet the second you came around, you had me wrapped around your finger — you didn’t know this, of course. i still pride myself in being as level-headed, rational, and detached as i can be. but you know how much i’ll crack if it were for you. you’re essentially my biggest weakness right now. but also my main source of strength.

the way your little chuckles light up every atom within me, or how the silly faces you’d make at me would cheer me up almost instantly. random bouts of reaffirmation that shoo away my insecurities. you are so, so, so strong. so much that you make me feel brave.

i am inspired, even without words, even after you’ve taken all the words out of my mouth, laid them out before me, stringing sentences before i could even begin to think of another word after ‘you’. i feel so whole, yet so empty at the same time — how dangerous it feels, to be so ungracefully caught up in you. that with you, i don’t mind wearing my ugliest t-shirt. i don’t mind lazing around in my penguin pajamas and tacky glasses. that with you, i feel so completely comfortable; it’s almost concerning. you are home and i know i am safe, with you.

i no longer worry that i have to uphold this image of me for you to accept me. you just do; i don’t need to trade anything to remain in this spot you’ve carved out just for me. it feels nice, having a home make space for me, rather than forcing myself to be a tenant in a house that rejects me.

it’s almost revolting, how suddenly all these love songs seem to resonate with me. how ridiculously happy i feel, no matter how crap my days get; my noisy, restless heart is calm the moment you say ‘hi’. or, how i suddenly feel so motivated to keep going. how the sound of reason in my head has somehow morphed into a weird, bootleg version of your voice. and how your little words have slowly made their way into my lexicon too. yikes.

for every lit candle you handed me in the dark, for every moment you chose to encourage me but not make me feel pitied, for every ‘take care’, ‘rest well’, and ‘i hope you’re doing alright’ — you fuel this warmth within me i can’t seem to contain. like all this love within me wants to spill over anyone and everyone i know.

you’ve softened the blows of my bad days, restored the hope i used to despise, and yet, you still remind me how each day is worth it’s risk.

so this is how it feels like.
that even after hours of hearing your voice i still never want to hang up.

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