#1 | time to grow up.

zoom in: i’m lying on my bed, typing this somewhat epiphanic piece of writing out. i’ve a ton of work i’m ought to do, but i’ve only been putting them off for the past few weeks. either way — i’m not particularly bothered, but only in this moment.

zoom out: i’m eight days away from turning sixteen, in my final year of secondary school; only months away from graduation and also what feels like a few timid steps away from adulthood.

three words — i’m not ready.

i’m really not, because up till now, i’ve only ever been frightened by the idea of having to delve into the unknown. i’m not exactly the most sociable & adaptable person. and adulthood seems to scream “new environments!!!” “more people!!” “PAY YOUR BILLS!!!” all over. how inviting, no?

don’t get me wrong, i love making friends. i value my independence a lot. so yes, okay, i’ll concede — a considerable part of growing up does have its perks. but, i still maintain that the larger part of having to grow up is terribly daunting; at least in my perspective.

perhaps, i’m simply too comforted by the concept of constant. despite the saying, “change is the only thing constant,” i think i’ve grown attached to my life’s arrangement now. too much so, in fact. i mean — i’m not completely daunted by the thought of change — i’ve had so much change happen in my whole life. but i guess, adulthood is a much bigger change compared to anything else i’ve experienced thus far.

see, but the thing is: being an adult ≠ being mature.

if being an adult = being mature, then maybe, i’m not too intimidated by it all. in fact, i think i’m somewhat more mature than most people my age. but it doesn’t work that way.

quite frankly, sometimes, it feels like the idea of adulthood refers to always knowing what to do, always having to be strong for everyone else; attributes i am not ready or capable of being (at the moment). adulthood feels like jumping into a pool, not knowing how deep it’ll be, or perhaps, not knowing how to swim entirely. good luck soldier.

if this is what adulthood encompasses, then i do not want even just a sliver of it. it is exhausting to always have to put on a front, as though i am still unshaken; unwavered.

the only part of adulthood that appears somewhat enticing is the independence that comes with it. i just really want to live on my own. but anything else — losing people, gaining people — that’s terrifying.

time, slow down a little, maybe?