i am not supposed to miss you

You were bad for me.

We never should have dated. I wasn’t in a good place. You weren’t in a good place.

It was the right decision to end it before things got worse.

I am not supposed to miss you.

I should be totally over you by now, moving on to bigger and better things.

We were wrong together. Now we both have the opportunity to be with someone who is the right person for us. Who completes both of us.

I am not supposed to miss you.

But I do.

I miss the way you looked at me, like I was the only girl in the world that mattered to you. I miss your strong, calloused hands and how they would always be grabbing for mine and holding them tight. I miss your warm hugs, how you would envelop me close to your strong body and hold me as if nothing bad could ever touch me. And your kisses…You used to kiss me like you couldn’t get enough. Like my kisses were the source of your strength. I miss looking into your eyes and seeing your pupils so big that your brown eyes looked black with affection and love. The way you looked at my body with lust and appreciate made me blush. The powerful, adoring look you gave me that nearly swept me off my feet as you would approach me. And you were so protective. So incredibly protective. You reminded me of a great lion, watching over his lioness and making sure that no one brought her harm. You were so good to me. You loved me with your whole body.

But we weren’t good together. The relationship was toxic.

As much as all of that warms my heart and makes me feel loved, it was also too much. Our relationship was purely physical. And because of that, I felt like I was drowning in guilt and shame.

You see, I was in a bad place during the time we were together. Spiritually, my relationship with God was essentially non-existent. Sure, I was still going to church every Sunday, but what nobody knew was how empty I was inside. God was nowhere to be found. He didn’t leave me, I shoved Him out. And I kept shoving Him out the whole time I was dating you because I was feeling ashamed.

Every time I was with you, my physical attraction was aroused and that is all I listened to. You were way more forward than any guy I had ever been around and you knew what you wanted. You knew what you wanted and you knew how to get it.

I guess I always expected guys to ask me for permission before they kept going further and further physically, but not you. You just kept going and I never said stop. My brain and my heart were screaming “STOP” so loudly the whole time, but my body overpowered them both. I love physical touch so much, that I allowed you to keep going. Unfortunately, we went to a place that I wanted to save for my future husband, that now I can never get back.

So you see, our relationship was toxic for me and I needed to get out.

I am in a much better place now. I am learning to love myself and I am learning how to make God the main priority in my life now. There is so much that I need to work through, with God’s help. I have moved on.

I am not supposed to miss you.

So why do you keep coming back in my mind?