“What is depression?”
Just the thought of that question, it lights something up inside of you. Your lungs suddenly fill with air and your mouth opens, as you are about to poor all of insights on what it is to you. But then, it hits you … you don’t actually know what it is.
You can’t remember at what point in your life this burden on our shoulders, this heavy feeling, came about. Was it really that long? You ask yourself. You didn’t even realize it taking it’s toll on you. All you remember is suddenly feeling … drained, exhausted, tired to the point where you cannot pull yourself together.
You try- oh god, you try so hard to go about life as if nothing was the matter. As if nothing was affecting you because let’s be honest … you don’t even know, yourself, why it happened.
Those habits you’ve suddenly picked up on. Whether it be sleeping in, staying awake longer than usual, filling your lungs with toxic, thinking too damn much. It just suddenly happened. You have got use to it.
Your actions became slow. You’d rather lay in bed all day, isolating yourself from the world, than socializing and going out. Your opinion changes on almost everything. You hate loud places but you hate being alone. Why was that?
But the worst part. You’re sad. But it’s a different kind of sadness. Not the kind where you hit your leg at the end of the table. No, it’s more than that. This sadness sticks with you, for what seems like forever and you feel like it will never go away. And for what reason are you sad? You’re not even sure. It’s just this feeling … of feeling like you’re alone, like nobody cares, like everything is completely hopeless. You want to cry. You want to scream those words, “I am not okay”. You want somebody to understand. What’s holding you back?
You hate yourself for feeling this way, it angers you that you can’t even work up the courage to speak your mind. There is just so many things you have to say but such little time and no interest, so what’s the point?
Sure, you may be going on with your life. You smile a lot. But what’s hiding?
Then that thought finally comes to mind. Why not just end it? This life, this miserable life, that you have worked so hard to build throughout the years, was just a waste of time. “I am suicidal”.
You’re tempted. You’re on edge, standing on your tippy-toes. Your freedom gives you many ways that you can easily end it all. You know you’re suffering, so why continue? Why continue this life that’s so unfair and filled with pain? There’s no point. No point at all.
So then you grab those pills, take that rope in your hand, take that pistol hiding in the shed, take your few lasting steps towards the edge of that bridge.
Happiness is something you do not desire, but just completely getting rid of this feeling should be enough for you. That is all you ever wanted.
What will happen? What will their reaction be? You quickly get rid of the thought, as you spill the whole pill bottle into the palm of your hand, put that rope around your neck and stand on that chair, bring that pistol to the temple of your head, stare down at the long drop you had ahead of you from the edge of that bridge.
And then it’s over.
You shouldn’t be afraid to say anything. You should be able to speak your mind without having to worry about anybody’s thoughts if you did. You shouldn’t hide behind that fake smile, pretending everything is alright when it’s not. You shouldn’t be wiping your own tears, thinking someone doesn’t care. Millions of people are suffering from depression. Some people experience it more than others, some people less. But what good is it to put that pain onto someone else, by taking your own life? Have you ever thought that maybe, talking to someone about it is the best option? Others, even your closest peers, know your pain. Talk to them. Crying is not a weakness, it is a sign of how bad you’re hurting and how long you have been looking for help. You don’t have to be alone anymore.