Ultimate Guide on Charisma part I-Presence

Once Marilyn Monroe accompanied by a photographer, decided to visit a tube station in New York during rush hour in plain clothes and without makeup. Station was overtly crowded like any other working days. People were busy to get on the train without looking left and right. So, she just followed them and boarded on a train. Surprisingly none of the passengers noticed that legendary actress was standing just next to him or her. She simply rode a train like any female passenger and reached next station. Her companion was shocked as no one was able to recognize her. When they walked out from the station, Monroe stopped for a second and flashed her million-dollar charismatic smile .Then she asked him teasingly “So, do you want to see her? The Marilyn?”. The photographer nodded. So, she just fixed her hair and smiled .Then something magical happened.

Within a split second, everything stopped. People who were completely oblivious to her presence even few seconds before suddenly turned their head and realized that the great Marilyn is standing just right beside them.

I came across this story few days back while surfing the internet. Interesting one, indeed.

Most intriguing part of this story is her beauty was with her during whole journey. She didn’t change her make-up or clothes or anything. So what should be the explanation of this otherwise magical incident?

Only one word.

Charisma!!

Winston Churchill had it, so does Bill Clinton, lady Diana, Gandhi and other men and women who shaped world history. It is a kind of magnetic personal appeal, which inspires people to love their leaders, and sometime even putting their own life in danger for him.

Common perception about charisma, it is something either you born with or not. But let me tell you, this magical power can be learnt if it could be deconstructed properly and ready to work hard. In this post I am going to do the heavy lifting for you by reverse engineering the charisma.

But why you want to get Charismatic in first place? Chances are good that you are a commoner, and have no plan to lead the next revolution. Then, why is it worth of 10–15 minutes of your life?

Well, Charisma is all about making others feel special and eventually they will reward you back multiple times with their loyalty, love and trust. Charismatic people are often regarded as more dependable, trustworthy. They often earn both more money and respect. Even you are searching for a soul mate, If you can just look her eyes and make her feel she is only woman you want to see ,those rich guys who are spending a fortune just to get into her pants would have no chance against a genuine person like you.

Worthy enough to keep your nose to the grindstone, right?

Here is the things I have promised.

Extrovertism is not necessary to become Charismatic .Here is the list of elements.

• Presence
• Power
• Warmth
• Eye Contact
• Art of active Listening and art of conversation
• Proper Understanding of personal space and body languages
• Confidence

In this post I will talk about the first element, Presence.

What is Presence:

Presence is simply being at the moment. It is all about make other realize that you are spending time with them because their opinions, problem etc are important to you.

Some of great leaders are typical introverts but they compensate with their presence.

Have you ever been in a conversation when other person made you feel that you are only person in the room?

Probably memory of that conversation just put a smile on your face.

That person has a powerful presence, something very few of us have. How a person with great presence like President Bill Clinton can make others feel ,you can read it here.

Why all of us don’t have presence:

If you realize that like most of us, you don’t have a powerful presence to turn heads, don’t beat yourself up. Our primal brain is designed to respond to even smallest stimuli. During the hunting gathering days life was much more unforgiving. Ignore a faint sound or little movement on the bush next to you and you could lose your life. Those primitive programming is still within us and everybody is compelled to unknowingly scan their surroundings. It takes a LOT of practice to re-construct those instincts.

Some people think if the try to look attentive they can fool person sitting next to them. NO, you can’t fool anyone, at least in this matter. Human can read facial expression and non-verbal clues within 17mili-seconds so they will know, at least unconsciously that you are not paying attention. A person tries to look sincere without genuine intention cannot gain trust or respect of others.

So, better switch off your mobile phone while interacting with others.

How to build your presence:

Like all other skills, presence can be learnt. A little improvement in presence department can make a huge impact.

• Bring yourself to the here and now.

• Presence begins in your mind. If you feel like your mind is off somewhere else while engaging with someone, try this little exercise to bring you back to the here and now. Focus on physical sensations in your body that you often ignore. It could be your breath; it could be the sensation of your feet touching the ground or the fluctuation of speaker’s voice tone. You don’t have to spend very long meditating on these sensations but a second or two will bring you back into the moment you’re sharing with this person. Don’t even check you mobile phone or chat in face book , those are distraction.
• Cut the inner monologue:

• This is the toughest of all. Consciously or unconsciously we all are struck in inner monologues. When person sitting next to you is talking, don’t think about what to say next. You can’t stay in moment when your mind is dealing with voices inside of your brain. You may have problems, doubts in your life, but you can always think about those after 10–15 seconds. Fewer inner monologues also help you to listen without judging the person sitting opposite. People can subconsciously pick up when you are judging them and they close up then and there. So, silencing your inner voices can help a lot.
• Give 100% or 0% when in hurry: S

• uppose you are in hurry and your co-worker comes to you with a problem. Most of us would try to listen impatiently and worry about how much they are getting late. Net result, Co-worker will feel ignored and also people at meeting will have a wrong impression. But Charismatic people do this differently. They would ask him about the problem and either tell him to share later or listen to it without worrying about meeting. I learnt it from a close relative who is also very successful and charismatic. This is much more effective and putting your legs in two boats. If you make conscious effort to listen others, they will feel validated, appreciated and you would build a reputation as a genuine warm person eventually. People wouldn’t mind to wait for 5–10 mins more for such a charming man/woman. So, rule of thumb is, in hurry, give 100% and listen or ask him/her to share it later.
• Make sure you’re physically comfortable:

• It’s hard to be fully present with someone when all you’re thinking about is how hungry you are or how uncomfortably tight your pant is. Your physical discomfort can send misleading non-verbal signal to others and they can get closed off. Such situation is specially harmful in negotiation scenarios. To that end, do what you can to ensure you’re as comfortable as possible. Besides helping you look better, clothes that fit( I am working on a series about clothing and self-perception) well make you feel better. Other things you can do to increase your physical comfort include getting enough sleep, laying off the caffeine (be calm instead of jittery), having enough food and adjusting the Air conditioner (when you can) to a more agreeable temperature.
• Have Proper an understanding of personal space:

• People have a certain space around their bodies that they unconsciously claim as their personal space. This personal Zone can be classified in four zones ,”intimate”,” personal”, ”social”, ”public”. If someone invades personal space, people do get uncomfortable. Crowded elevators are uncomfortable because strangers invade personal (intimate) zone. To develop Charisma one must understand what should be optimum distance. Stand far from the person and you develop no bond and stay too close and he will get uncomfortable. I will discuss about Personal Zones, body languages and charisma in next article of this series.
• Master the art of eye contact: Eyes are the window of souls. Charismatic people know this and use it as one of the primary tool.
• One of the striking differences between charismatic person and common person is how they convey the emotions through their eyes. Most people have blank look, no specific emotion conveyed as such. But it is not that case for charismatic people. I personally know a Charismatic religious man, he is very strong and muscular, yet if you look at his eyes you will feel a certain degree of calmness as if everything is going to be fine irrespective of how bad the situation is. This is true for any Charismatic person; they can convey powerful emotions through their eyes. Look at any picture of Adolf Hitler for example , you can sense power and rage is pouring out from his eyes.
• Another aspect of proper eye contact to know how to make eye contact without making others uncomfortable. I have seen many people literally stare at others and making others uncomfortable without realizing as they read somewhere that eye contact is important. No judgment here as we all have to start somewhere, but there exist a fine line. I will talk about it in an another article.
• Wait two seconds before responding. I got this fine point from an article of AOM. Breaking in the very instant a person pauses or stops talking signals to them that you were thinking about what you were going to say instead of fully listening to them. Nonverbal behaviors are more powerful than verbal ones, so use this trick from to show you’re really tuned in:

When someone has spoken, see if you can let your facial expression react first, showing that you’re absorbing what they’ve just said and giving their brilliant statement the consideration it deserves. Only then, after about two seconds, do you answer.

The sequence goes like this:

1. They finish their sentence
2. Your face absorbs
3. Your face reacts
4. Then, and only then, you answer

• Understanding of Art of Active Listening and conversation: Charismatic peoples are master of conversation and listening. They can engage people in conversation and can make them feel relaxed.

A great conversationalist is not the person who can talk a lot but he/she can make others feel validated ,uninhibited while inspire them to share Intimate information . Charismatic people are great conversationalists. They choose every word very carefully to strike a cord with others. This is can improve presence dramatically.

Here is a trick from Dr. Stephen Covey’s The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. When you are listening to others , you can paraphrase what the person just said and add, “Am I understanding you correctly?”

In more casual conversations, ask people questions like, “What was your favorite part of that?” or “What was the hardest part of that for you?” People really enjoy reflecting on and answering such questions.

Basics of conversation and Active Listening will be discussed later on.

Conclusion: Charisma is a quality very few individuals can posses but If we can work hard and smart we can learn it too. Today I talked about only Presence but as you can see Presence is directly affected by other elements. Stay with this series and read books like this, I will break down and discuss them all one by one to put a clear, detailed picture of this mystical quality. Journey will not be an easy one but you determined to carve out the charismatic side of yours , I will be always there for you.

Onward and upward,

Summary