One-Sided Marriage
Alexandro Chen
7.6K123

Please do not find me antagonistic, for I do not deny I liked what I read. The flow of your style is free and capturing, and your sense of length and breadth, as far as I find — is flawless. But a story has many dimensions, and it’s only in one of these I mean to offer my criticism. And I hope you’ll take it positively — use it, or trash it, as you deem fit.

The thing is: I, for one, could guess by the fourth paragraph that the guy was dead. Casting my “insignificant personality” aside, I think, there may be a not-so-thin percentage of readers who would do that too (and, sure, you wouldn’t want to write for a select group, who wouldn’t?). Having postulated that as a strong possibility, it only remained to look for further clues, and his “silent stares”, “stiff postures”, “frozen frowns” and “clamped mouth“ were, as Sherlock Holmes would say, ‘quite conclusive’. :)
[his position on the “kitchen table” really enhanced this supposition further rather than blurring it.]

Having done this it only remained to go through the rest as a beautiful word-poetry, and see ‘how does he pull it off?’ ..Now, what gave you away? I have got to say, it must have been the opening line: “My husband, Yasushi, hasn’t spoken to me in a whole year.” — it is too powerful, factual (and the explicit mention of the name, makes it yet more so), and makes one reflect: — ‘how is that possible?’

Now, it would look inconclusive without a suggestion of alternative, but I can’t really do it without spoiling your beautiful language, and putting mine in instead. Remember, I do it only as a for-instance. Something like: ‘Why hasn’t he been talking to me?’ and, the mention of a full year can be stuck on somewhere as: ‘..what has it been, like a year?’ — but that’s me again. :) Let me stop.

Real writers may come up with better suggestions. I hope I have produced something that may assist you in your future endeavors. Best of luck!