One-Sided Marriage
Alexandro Chen
1.8K92

Please do not find me antagonistic, for I do not deny I liked what I read. The flow of your style is free and capturing, and your sense of length and breadth, as far as I find — is flawless. But a story has many dimensions, and it’s only in one of these I mean to offer my criticism. And I hope you’ll take it positively — use it, or trash it, as you deem fit.

The thing is: I, for one, could guess by the fourth paragraph that the guy was dead. Casting my “insignificant personality” aside, I think, there may be a not-so-thin percentage of readers who would do that too (and, sure, you wouldn’t want to write for a select group, who wouldn’t?). Having postulated that as a strong possibility, it only remained to look for further clues, and his “silent stares”, “stiff postures”, “frozen frowns” and “clamped mouth“ were, as Sherlock Holmes would say, ‘quite conclusive’. :)
[his position on the “kitchen table” really enhanced this supposition further rather than blurring it.]

Having done this it only remained to go through the rest as a beautiful word-poetry, and see ‘how does he pull it off?’ ..Now, what gave you away? I have got to say, it must have been the opening line: “My husband, Yasushi, hasn’t spoken to me in a whole year.” — it is too powerful, factual (and the explicit mention of the name, makes it yet more so), and makes one reflect: — ‘how is that possible?’

Now, it would look inconclusive without a suggestion of alternative, but I can’t really do it without spoiling your beautiful language, and putting mine in instead. Remember, I do it only as a for-instance. Something like: ‘Why hasn’t he been talking to me?’ and, the mention of a full year can be stuck on somewhere as: ‘..what has it been, like a year?’ — but that’s me again. :) Let me stop.

Real writers may come up with better suggestions. I hope I have produced something that may assist you in your future endeavors. Best of luck!

One clap, two clap, three clap, forty?

By clapping more or less, you can signal to us which stories really stand out.