Postcard from the DMZ: Welcome to Ghana, Gitmo ex-detainees

Dear Khalid Mohammed Salih al-Dhuby and Mahmmoud Omar Mohammed Bin Atef

Good day and Akwaaba (Welcome) to Ghana,

I am writing to both of you from a coded location somewhere in the Far East, very proximal to the DMZ borders. I guess you know the DMZ right?

Just yesty, I had closed from a marathon meeting with high-level security intelligence officials; where we discussed among issues, the purported Hydrogen Nuclear bomb test by our neighbor Kim Jung-Un, in the recluse North Korean kingdom. We are always on the lookout, monitoring proceedings from across the border.

Some of the panel members posited that, what he actually tested was akin to a fire-cracker which couldn’t even travel a 0.001 Km from its source. Ah, can you imagine? Don’t cachinnate buddies; I know you’ll played with real bombs and it sounds funny how Kim wanted to throw dust in our eyes.

That young man hallucinates a lot. His fear and panic move was an absolute fiasco.

Well, enough of North Korea. So, as I was saying, I was enjoying some Kimchi soup with Neat Fufu after the crunch meeting when I read on social media platforms about your anticipated arrival in Sikaman (Ghana). Unknowingly, you had already arrived in Ghana, unlaxing. I was somehow late to the party but I managed to delve deeper into your case.

As a quidnunc, I decided to wade into the fray that has swamped the Ghanaian airwaves this past two days. I have read lots of maudlin comments from many Ghanaians about your past lives. They’ve also shared some dissent views and expressed unamusing sentiments. They still feel that you are going to pose threats to our security. Others suggests you are going to breed the next generation of terrorists despite potent assurance from the US government and the Ministry of Foreign Affairs. To me, politicians and ‘Dumsor’ [erratic power supply] had been ‘terrorizing’ the country for eons, yet we have survived them.

Among the 56 countries recorded in the Guantanamo detainees’ docket, Afghanistan alone has since 2002 accepted 203 of your kind. Germany, Cape Verde and Palau Islands have all accepted Gitmo ex-cons. Only two of you and my people are acting like the world is crashing down.

Some of these news, I just read and shrug it off. They are crying wolf and it is least-enthusing how they intend to defame our proverbial hospitability. Personally, I believe you two have turned new leaf, you have become new [Ghanaian] creatures and must be embraced with the Ghanaian love and care.

I think all the hubbub from the past two days are not going to yield any result, since you, our invitee ex-cons are already in town. I expect them to cut down on the emotions and pipe-down a little bit.

On that note, let me share with you a side of us. My Ghana people are babblers. We take delight in garrulous matters and the sad thing is, we have short memories. Our self-assertive and affable President echoes this trait oftentimes. Issues would erupt, every one dabbles in it and in a blink, dies out with the passing of the wind.

A couple of weeks ago, we descended on a neophyte musician who let out his flyspeck phallus during a live performance during the yuletide. Prior to that, we had chanted incessantly about an Ameri deal, in connection with a purchase of gas turbines to alleviate our electricity problems. Don’t worry about the ‘Dumsor’, your place of abode has an installed full capacity plants to supply constant electricity. There has also been the issues of branding buses and chocolates. Ask me what happened? Your guess is as good as mine.

Brother Khalid and Omar, Ghanaians love to tickle themselves and laugh. We delight in that with pride. Some of these scandals sparsely occur and you are likely to draw comic relief from them. My guys, pay no heed to the noise in Sikaman. It’s a daily affair and pinned firmly in our immune system.

Seriously, I am irked to the core. Instead of opening wide arms to usher you in boisterously, see what they are doing. On behalf of all the cynic fellows in Ghana, I want to deeply apologize for their conduct. We are not like that, buddies. I don’t know what came over them.

As such it has therefore become necessary to scribble this message to properly welcome you into our folds. It is also apropos to take you through basic orientation formalities. Mind you, your refuge term is two years, renewable every other year on condition of good conduct.

Travelling an approximate distance of 8,226 km from Guantanamo Bay to Accra is no ‘Bolt’ distance. And having been greeted with vitriolic from your host must have dampen your spirits. You know that, in every house, there is Mensah.

This shouldn’t change your perceptions about us. We are still the genial, peaceful West African state Kwame Nkrumah once led. We have a stable and bubbling economy with investors trooping in day in and out. You witnessed it first, our airport has been renovated. Accra is vivacious and eyesome.

We owe the IMF billions in debts but it doesn’t stop us from making merry of our lives. You’ve come home and definitely going to experience it.

I understand that, you two are wayworn from this planetary trip. As a matter of fact, you must be privy to what to experience in Sikaman in the next few days. By way of appeasement, you shall emplane on the Presidential helicopter to Royal Senchi for an exclusive sybaritic experience of a lifetime, over the weekend. Both of you truly deserve this treat.

We promised the United States to take royally care of you and so shall it be delivered.

As my friend David Appiah Dankwa suggested; there shall be Wednesday Waakye party at Aunti Muni’s place in Labone, Accra to welcome you officially. You know, we need to culturally integrate and treat you to some scrumptious Ghanaian gourmandism.

You will travel to Kumasi to pay a courtesy call on the Asantehene, Otumfour Osei Tutu II. A tour of Asanteman including Manhyia Palace, Bonwire Kente Village, Cultural center, Komfo Anokye Sword and a saunter through Kejetia await you guys.

Kwadwo Akoto Boateng has already arranged your Fufu moments with Sister Akos chop bar in Bantama. How can you travel to Kumasi without eating Fufu? Tofiakwa!

If Accra becomes too hot for you, I have a suggestion. Go and stay at my Dad’s home in Konongo and start tilling my family lands in Aboaboso and Nk)nsia. You will only be contributing to Agricultural domestication. Who knows, the next move will be exporting some of the produce to feed your brothers in famine-zones in Yemen and Syria.

Fellas, Ghana is a country where you can enjoy freedom of Association. You are at liberty to join any religion of your choice, any social group or association, excluding TERRORISM. You are barred from that old game. However, be forewarned that, there are fake prophets and Mallams gallivanting and extorting the masses.

My people love Church papa. They attend church service every single day of the week.

Yo bros, let me explain an important fact about the Ghanaian media. Our media is very reactive. Some of the journos never move their butts to investigate matters. Some are stooges of political parties. I partly blame them for the despicable deterioration of the country. They are working, but not hard enough.

Methinks they should be the voices of the people to put the politicians on their toes but have failed woefully. In all your dealings, remain upright else Anas Aremeyaw Anas will come after your ass.

If you keep up with a good behavior, you could easily be christened an ‘Expert’ by the Sikaman media. For instance, Khalid, you can become International Expert on Terrorism. You will be invited to live studio programs to talk about your subject. Who knows bro, you might hit the international limelight in a positive manner.

Politics in Sikaman is either NPP or NDC. These respective parties have some followers called ‘footsoldiers’. Be wary of them fellas, as 2016 elections is imminent. Most of them are hotheads and will descend heavily on you with expletives, if you disagree with them. They parade mostly on social media defending the un-defendable. Some of their utterances are flapdoodle. Don’t take them serious. The most effective antidote is to block them. You have a free will to join any party of your choice and ‘vote’. After all, some of our Togolose brothers allegedly vote during our elections.

I guess you two know about #ThrowbackThursday right? If you ever feel nostalgic of Gitmo, why not visit the Nsawam or Ankaful prisons to liven up the inmates out there? I love humanitarian services and I adjure you to do same.

Whiles you continue to inhabit in Ghana, you would definitely steal glances at our resplendent, smart and curvaceous dames. If any of our ladies catches your eyes, don’t slack, man up and engage them. If you want to marry them, follow the meticulous customary rites and tie the knots. As you procreate, you will inchoate a new heritage of multicultural families; Ghana-Yemen ‘Molatos’ — how lovely!

Brothers, I think I would have to write to you again by next week when you’d have acclimatized well in the harmattan. I told my Facebook friends I was going to be laconic with this letter but just see this plenty talk.

Before I sign off, I would like to profusely thank the US Government, the International Community and all parties involved for such an unsparing donation of energetic detainees like you two to Ghana. We couldn’t have asked for more.

We can’t thank them enough. I want to assure you that, you are safe in Ghana, my brothers. We love you and are beaming to be hosting you. Keep smiling and make as many friends as you desire. Listen to authentic Ghanaian highlife and hiplife music, visit the beaches and have fun.

Does anyone of you love sports? That’s my faculty oooo…I will tell you more about it and other perks you have to enjoy.

Just feel at HOME, brothers. Once again, Akwaaba to Ghana!!


Williams Nana Kyei

(Self-appointed Korean Expert and ‘Fake Mayor’ of Seoul)

DMZ Borders