A Recovering People Pleaser
I’m a recovering People Pleaser. I’ve been a people pleaser for as long as I can remember. Not that long ago, in the heat of an argument, I exclaimed “Just tell me what you want!”. I’ve been standing on my head trying to make others happy my whole life.
People-pleasing is both learned and instinctive. As a mammal, I have a strong survival instinct that rewards me for pleasing my family group members. As a helpless child, I had to please my family to survive.
My mammalian brain rewards me with good feeling chemicals when I am successful with bonding with others… even when I have to stand on my head to succeed at it.
All my family members are mammals, so I learned my people pleasing behavior from them. There is an emotional dance of one rejecting another in order to influence the second one to change. Shame, Blame, Anger, and Resentment are powerful influencing emotions.
But, it turns out People Pleasing can’t be done. I can’t actually “make” anyone happy, or proud, or satisfied. It’s a set up for failure! No wonder that I feel so “not good enough”! There’s no way to please another person. I’m going to have to please myself instead.
When I shift the focus to myself, I can soothe my inner People Pleaser. I have to clearly define “me” and “mine” and “not-me” and “not-mine”. I have no power over anything “not-me”. So, I work at changing me. Then, I can’t fail. I’m suddenly free to disagree with others and still be myself. They are free, too.