The Healing Power of a Home Death

The following thoughts regarding home death derive from my own biography experience of the death of my father when I was 16 years old, in 1962. When I looked at my father’s body lying in the coffin, I knew the corpse I was looking at was not my father. His spirit and soul were not there, only his embalmed body. This startling experience set me on the path to look into the mystery of death.

My father, Herbert Lau Apana died unexpectedly at the young age of 42 years old, leaving behind a 36 year- old wife with three children ages 16, 7 and 3 years old. As a family we were pushed into a funeral arrangement that was very unsatisfying, because we were deprived of one of the most important experiences human beings go through on earth, the witnessing of death. The funeral industry had taken control of death in the same way that hospitals had taken control of the birth process. It was primarily a hands-off experience for the families, under the belief that the funeral industry was providing relief and support for their grieving process. My mother accepted these conditions, as she was totally overwhelmed, and like so many people, she had a serious fear of death.

Around this same time a Berkeley activist Jessica Mitford, wrote a scathing and revealing book on the funeral industry, called “The American Way of Death” (1963). Mitford’s research outlined in detail how the funeral industry emotionally manipulated people at this vulnerable time to overspend on funeral costs, in order to prove their love for those who had died. The information in the book finally forced Congress to investigate the funeral industry and put some controls and laws in place to curtail this immoral behavior. Since that time, there has been a shift in the industry and funeral directors can now be found who are ethical and support a home death process.

Historically, people all over the world have had home deaths in the same way that people had home births. The home birth movement in the United States has been making strides in reclaiming this human ritual. The home death movement has been slower to evolve, but is now making progress. I hope to advance the importance of home deaths, by sharing the following ideas of the healing power of home deaths.

My focus for the purpose of this writing comes from my many years of the study of Anthroposophy as given by Rudolf Steiner. Anthroposophy can be defined briefly as, “When the spiritual in the human being meets the spiritual in the universe.” Rudolf Steiner was an Austrian philosopher and teacher who also founded Waldorf Education, biodynamic gardening, the Christian Community, the Camphill movement, Anthroposophical medicine and both therapeutic and artistic eurythmy. Steiner was a unique human being who gave many gifts to the world, many of which have yet to be fully understood and realized.

One of the gifts I received from Steiner and Anthroposophy was some understanding of aspects of the death process. After my father died, I had tangible experiences of his presence, which I did not understand at that time. It wasn’t until I read my first Steiner book “Knowledge of the Higher Worlds” that I was able to begin to comprehend these experiences. Steiner’s writings explained and validated my experiences, so I knew what Steiner was writing was true. Steiner has written more about the death process and life between death and rebirth than any other contemporary human being. Over the years of studying Anthroposophy, I have come to understand this information about death enough to put it into practice, assisting families and friends to have meaningful home death experiences.

We need to be able to turn towards death, instead of away from it, out of our fear of not understanding it. Death is one of the biggest mysteries we have come to experience while on earth. I believe we can re-educate ourselves to come to terms with death in a new way which will bring healing to the process for all involved. Can we shift our paradigm so that someone can have a good death, as opposed to viewing it as a failed event or one to be feared?

How To Open the Conversation about Death

When someone we love is in the process of dying, we can accompany them on their journey in a beautiful and loving way, simply by being present and accepting what is happening. When I am with someone, I begin the conversation by asking what they believe will happen when they die. This informs me of where the person is and how much they want to hear about what I have to share, and also what fears they might have. In one case, I asked this question of my 94 year-old grandmother, who I was very close to. She was born in the early 1900’s and Grandma told me that she thought when she died, she would go to Heaven if she had been a good person. I affirmed that she had been a good person and she would indeed be going to Heaven. That was the extent of our conversation on death. My Grandmother had what I consider a “good death,” as she died in her sleep.

When we go to sleep each night, we all have a mini-death experience, as our physical and etheric bodies stay in bed, while our astral and higher-selves travel to the spiritual spheres and gather wisdom and understandings for our daily work and life; we even recapitulate aspects of our past lives during this time. The difference between going to sleep and dying is that in death, our etheric cord is severed from our physical body.

Death is an excarnating process and the time it takes to accomplish this varies for each person; there can often be a notable waiting period. Sometimes those on the threshold are hoping for visits from friends or distant family members, or for some emotional issue to be resolved before they exit. Or there can be an unconscious fear that arises, even when someone says they are ready to go. Sometimes the people they are the closest to have to leave the room, as the dying person doesn’t feel free to go, due to the strong attachments between people. Each family has to navigate that part of the journey for themselves. It helps if those who will be left behind can meditate and tell the dying person they are free to release their spirit from their ailing body, and try not to cling to the person.

When someone is coming close to the threshold of death, they start to turn away from the physical world of food and drink, so it’s best not to force people to take nourishment unless they request it. These are signs of the excarnation, of the soul and spirit letting go of the physical attachments of this worldly life. The person may go into an unconscious state, but remember that even in such a state they can still hear our thoughts, and we can still talk to them. This is a good time to do some spiritual reading, from the Bible or other inspirational books, or fairy tales, poetry etc. When we are turning away from the earthly world, we are more open to the world of imagination and pictures. If you have access to any kind of musical instrument, a lyre, harp, or guitar, a flute, softly playing long tones can be soothing. There is also a group of volunteers in the Bay Area, who do “Threshold Singing” and will come to the bedside of the dying person and sing to them. Or you can sing to the person yourself. The songs should be simple and can be improvised on the spot, with themes like walking down a path towards the light, and they should be sung in acapella style.

I have attended several home deaths and have witnessed the moment of death. A person might suddenly open their eyes and look at you with full consciousness just before they go, or sit upright, which is an unusually powerful experience. Anytime we are able to be present at a death, it is a gift, just as in attending the birth of a child. The death process is simply the reverse of birth, as the person who is dying is being reborn back into the spiritual world, where there is jubilation over the new arrival.

Practical steps after death:

Verification of the Death by a Medical MD. and other state forms

Transition time after death

Washing and Anointing the body

Dry ice

Tremendous healing can take place when we are able to spend quality time with the person after they have crossed the threshold of death. This creates an important transition for both the living and those who have died. This can be arranged in various ways depending on where the person has died. A medical doctor, or hospice nurse will need to verify the person’s death and paper work will need to be filled out per the requirements of each state. Once the verification has taken place family/friends are free to wash the body of the deceased person. I recommend mixing water in a bowl with the addition of one of the essential oils such as lavender, rosemary, rose or lemon. You can use a wash cloth, dip it in a bowl of water, and use it to gently wash the person’s body, and then dry it afterwards. You can then anoint the person’s body with a scented oil like myrrh, or again with lavender, rosemary or whatever you have. These actions serve as a way of blessing the body and thanking it for being the vessel of the spirit it has housed, and have been done in many cultures over the centuries.

It’s a good idea to find out what stores carry dry ice before the need arises. The dry ice should be put in brown paper bags and then wrapped again in a plastic bag, as it will eventually begin to melt. The dry ice is put under the person at the core of their body near the inner organs. I usually use 3 medium pieces of dry ice, depending on the size of the person, the recommendation is 15–25 lbs. per day. The dry ice is placed on the surface of where the person will be placed and then covered over with a towel and sheet. Then the body is laid over the dry ice-covered surface. You can gently close the eyes and mouth of the person, if they are open. Sometimes people tie a silk scarf around the chin to keep the mouth closed. Rigor-mortius can begin to set in within an hour or so. You can also put cotton balls in the nostrils and the ears to catch any fluids that might start to flow, depending on how long you will be keeping the body at home. And sometimes people put a cloth, adult diaper, or a water proof pad around the lower part of the body, but this is not always necessary.

Ideally, it is wonderful if there can be a three-day vigil for the person who has died. The release of the physical body is only one part of the death process, as we also have an astral body and an etheric or life body, in addition to the higher spirit self that had been living in these sheaths. Once the moment of death has occurred, it still takes approximately three days for the next step of excarnation to occur, which is the release of these other bodies. Sensing into these other energy sheaths explains why people who witness a death and stay at the bedside often feel as if the departed person is still present. The excretion of bodily fluids from a dead body is an external sign that the ether body is releasing.

The Vigil:

Each family has to decide how long they want to keep the body at home, whether a three-day vigil is ideal for them. One or two days is fine, or even a few extra hours, but I highly recommend that if you do decide to do less time, you should still request that the funeral director not cremate the body until three days have passed. The body should never be embalmed, as this interferes with the etheric process that is taking place after death. In the past people were made to feel that bodies had to be embalmed, but it is simply untrue.

The room should be made beautiful where the body is lying in state. You should remove any medical equipment, and you can have flowers and keep a lighted candle near-by. The person can be covered with a beautiful piece of cloth; silk is especially good. You can place a chair or bench nearby for people to sit on. Here people can come and pay their respects, say their good byes, sing, play music, read poetry, or any other holy books of inspiration, or just sit in silence. I recommend that families make scheduled hours for the community to visit, so they are able to have their own private time. This is really up to each family to structure.

During the time of the vigil you may be able to witness an amazing event as the spirit and soul gradually take leave of the physical body. There is a beautiful light and energy that fills the space and you can experience healing forces throughout this process.

At the end of the vigil sometimes families have a ritual or ceremony which can be of their own creation, or they can invite someone in to assist them in this process. After this is completed the body is taken away by the funeral director and prepared for its next phase of either cremation or burial.

Conclusion

I believe that what I have outlined here is a relatively simple process that anyone can do. It does not take special training. It helps if you have a few family members or friends that can support you in this process. I am available for conversations about this information, but I do not work with Home Deaths as a professional death doula. I have supported friends when I am called upon as a community service, and a karmic spiritual deed. My wish is that whoever reads this information will feel inspired to consider the importance of having a conscious spiritual death process. You are free to share this information but it is copy righted as written.

Post Script: I want to add that with the onset of the Coronavirus pandemic, there may be new guidelines that would affect how a home death process can be carried out. I’m convinced it would be nearly impossible to get a COVID 19 victim released from the hospital due to the contagion factor. However, if someone dies at home, I believe it will still be possible to have a home death with the practice of the universal safety precautions and the limit number of 10 participants. You should take extra care when washing the body and make sure you are using gloves and have a mask on. Please go to the National Home Funeral Alliance (NHFA) for updated information on this topic; www.homefuneralalliance.org. They have excellent resources regarding home deaths as well as the legal requirements.

Verse for those who have crossed the Threshold

“May love of hearts reach out to love of souls,

May warmth of love ray out to Spirit-light.

Even so would we draw near to you,

Thinking with you Thoughts of Spirit,

Feeling in you the Love of Worlds,

Consciously at one with you, Willing in silent Being. “ (R. Steiner)

Resources:

Life Between Death and Rebirth, Rudolf Steiner, Steiner Press

Staying Connected How to Continue Your Relationship with Those Who Have Died, Rudolf Steiner, Steiner Press

Living Into Dying Nancy Jewel Poer, order book via email: whitefeather@directcon.net or call 530–622–9302

Funeral Consumer Alliance (FCA) www. Funeral.org

Funeral Services supportive of Home Deaths.

Colma Cremation Funeral Services

Joseph Stinson, Funeral Director, Phone: 650–757–1300

Final Passages Jerri Lyons in Sebastopol, California. Trainings and Home Death resources www.finalpassages.org