I dropped out of University last week
But Whyyyyyy…?????!!!
Well people say Mondays suck. I don’t generally agree with the notion of discriminating against this specific day of the week. But this one was being… well… complicated.
That day I didn’t necessarily go to University expecting to drop out.
In fact, I had to do a presentation. A presentation that I was not looking forward to do at all.
I know a lot of people don’t look forward to doing presentations and agree that contemplating dropping out in the face of such adversity is a completely rational response.
But not this time. This was my last year at this place… and this presentation was one of the last credits I needed to finally write my bachelor thesis.
A bachelor thesis that I was really looking forward to write. Because I am really passionate about the subject I had chosen.
See, I was in the privileged position to study a subject I loved.
So I did my presentation and was extremely proud and relieved of my achievement. It was like a huge stone that had been lifted of my chest. I was so happy. It was the first time that I have been happy at this place in four years.
So here is the story…
I considered dropping out of this so called school of higher eduction since my first semester. The only thing that kept me going was my passion for the subject and guilt towards my mother who payed for what was supposed to be my dream studies.
The course content was subpar. We had one professor for all courses (I am not kidding. :D), who didn’t teach us anything that had to do with the subject.
On top of that the course director bullied students. So I even transferred across the country to another location of the same university. I hoped for an improvement in the quality of education and a more friendly enviroment to continue my studies.
But just ended up in a bureaucratic hell, in which they can’t find my grades and make me retake every exam of the first year, while attending the new classes.
In addition to all the exams, I started do be the target of some petty bullying this time by students (Again, not kidding.)
My mind and my grades took a massive psychological toll. After overcoming a not so perfect childhood, this is what finally tore every last shred of confidence I had down (Note: During university, was the first time in my life that I was systematically psychologically bullied by peers.).
Enough is enough
Yet I continued. By this point only out of guilt towards my mother. She payed a lot of money and here I was getting worse and worse grades.
I tried to transfer again. This time to a different university in a different country. I got an answer. Yet again, stupid me convinced herself that it would be just easier to finish the university here.
It took a nervous breakdown after staying up for three days straight, my health plummeting and three doctors for me to call it quits. I told my mother everything. She tried to be understanding and agreed that I could take half a year off, but didn’t want to hear of me quitting. Its understandable, she has put so much money into this and here I was to much of a failure to see it through. So I did my last year and fought for every grade I had (because since I was transferred I wasn’t on any course list the professors had and at the end of courses wouldn’t get graded. I had to go to every professor individually and ask them to give me my grades).
The turning point
I felt completely burned out and did just the necessary to pass and failed a few exams, that I had to retake again. It was a vicious downward spiral.
Then came the time to do a mandatory internship. I got to do the work of a full time employee for next to no pay. As tiring as it was, I didn’t mind it much. It was the first time I got payed for doing the thing I studied for. It gave me the opportunity to reflect on my studies. I gained a little more perspective and started to wonder if studying is what I really wanted or even needed. Talking to people and learning their stories, I came to the conclusion that especially in my field a degree didn’t seem to be necessary. It was definitively an advantage, but having work experience in the field trumped it .
This internship was also important to me as it reminded me why I actually had begun to study this subject.
I was so worried about grades and university projects that I had let the ultimate goal out of sight.
My mind was so clouded by getting grades, fighting bureaucracy at university, that I failed to realise that already had the tools at my disposal to work in my chosen field. I knew doing this degree was an advantage I should take, even though I didn’t want to anymore.
In the moment itself
A colleague from the internship who had become a very close friend, agreed to accompany me to university and wait until the presentation was over so that I would feel safer and we could celebrate this milestone together afterwards.
So when after doing my presentation I went to the bureau for student affairs and the woman responsible told me they wouldn’t admit me to write my bachelor thesis, something inside me snapped. I asked why. She informed me it was because of the missing grades. Yes, the ones from first year that I already had to retake. I told her that I quit. She was surprised (really?!). She offered me (and I am quoting her exact words here) to “generate new grades” for what I already had handed in and then I would be able to write my BA in the following semester.
I was furious. To my own frustration I felt tears welling up in my eyes and my body started shaking. But I sensed that I had been waiting for this moment for years. I told her I am dropping out. It felt so right. I felt so empowered.
Immediately after my outburst I left the university building with my friend. I couldn’t think straight. I wanted to scream, but the only thing that came out of my mouth was a stream of “Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck…”. For a while I submerged myself into a detailed imagery of torture and pain that I wished to subject to these incompetent… people that put me through this.
Then I switched to self-hatred and started to berate myself for being so stupid to continue to choose that university and sticking with it. I mean how stupid can someone be?! Apparently I had my own very special level of stupidity.
I felt like such a failure for making all the wrong choices and faltering so short of the goal. I was dissolving in tears and my friend in an attempt to find a way to comfort me asked me if I wanted to watch Specter again. I snapped out of it and laughed… It was time to stop suffering…
From then on the walk home that we took was cheery teary (my word for when something sad happens, that you feel sad but also happy about). I felt elated. I realised that I was only scared, about what other people would think of me. This selfish decision I made to quit was just for me. As irrational as it seems, it was the right one. The next days I spent in a haze of euphoria and depression and random burst of anger. My friend who I live with was remarkably patient throughout this ordeal. I apologise to him constantly. I am really hard to deal with at the moment. One thing is set: the fact that it is over. I made a decision and this is how far I was willing to go.My physical and mental health are more important than my studies.
The beginning of my new life
One week later I still feel bitter, scared and lost. But something new has happened, something that fills me with hope. My will to live is back. No matter how depressed I get I don’t dip into suicidal thoughts anymore. I regained the focus on my target. On what I actually want to do.
I am working on my own projects now and aiming to make the first money of it by the end of the year.
Additionally I am applying to my dream internship and to other places to gather work experience over the next half year.
Due to the contract my mother has to pay the tuition until the end of this semester.
Afterward I will finally be 100% financially independent!!! I decided to pay her back the money in monthly rates as soon as Iearn money, since otherwise I will feel really guilty for not finishing my studies.
But I prefer being in debt with my mother than with a bank . As for my grades I am working on getting the credits accredited by the end of the semester.
Because - hey - I earned them. :) And who knows — maybe they’ll come in handy, since I am looking to get a degree at another university, in a different country. If the credits are transferable, I didn’t completely waste my time. This time I will do it for myself. It is such a luxury to learn and study,
even more so if you love the subject. That’s why I really want to have one good university experience in my life. I want my time studying to be the place where I blossom, develop my skills and find like minded people ( I know, I have a very romantic view of higher education).
I don’t care when and at what age. I want to give this experience as a present to myself.
In the meantime I am focusing on working on my own projects and building my independence.
Dropping out is a scary decision and I still haven’t told anyone (except my one friend and the university obviously). I made the decision just one week ago and it is still very fresh. Once I got over the anger, fear and sadness I realised it was for the better.
My life now seems ironically more full of opportunities than I have ever seen at university.
And this time I will grab them.
I am sharing this because the only regret I have was not listening to my gut and quitting way earlier.
But also to say that it is not the end of the world to quit, even in the last year.
I don’t expect any understanding for my actions, since they seem irrational at first glance. But I decided this university wasn’t doing me any good academically, physically and psychologically. If your dream is to become a doctor, I’d tell you that if you came this far, stick with it. At least you don’t have to wonder what if. My new rule of thumb is: as long as you are psychologically and physically healthy and what you are doing helps working towards your dreams - go on with it. Otherwise look for a new path to achieve your goals.
It is just harder to convince yourself to leave university the further you are along your studies.
But in the words of the theme song of my favourite series :
“I can’t count the reasons I should stay… One by one they all just fade away…” Community
and you might end up writing your first blog entry in your life ever. :P
After one week I feel that it was definitely the right decision. I also feel that it was live changing.
And I know that many people have had to or are making a similar decision.
This is why I decided to start this blog and share my story as it unfolds.
Thank you for reading this far. :D
Nice to meet you.
I am happy to share stories, ideas and experiences with you.
