attack
my head is screaming
my body is shaking
this is an attack
i saw a movie
gone girl
i liked it
but as i walk home
something
snapped
now my blood rushes through my veins
like the cars rushing by me
as i walk down the busy street
of a town i hate
i talk to myself sometimes
mostly in my bed
the ceiling my partner in conversation
but now i am so desperate to get these words from my brain to the air
that i pull out my phone
and talk on it
like there’s someone on the other side
so nobody can tell
how broken
i am
this is my low
my lowest low
i hate myself
i am disgusted
with the ugly person i see every day in the mirror
i am lame
i am pathetic
i am trying so hard to fit in
i am failing at trying to fit in
i am so alone
my breath
short
gasping for air
drowning in my hatred
drowning in the rejection of others
im so full of loathing
i tear at my skin
i smack my head against walls
i want to escape
i want to be let out
of this trap
this body
i talk for eight minutes
and twenty eight seconds
my panic attacks center around one feeling:
i want my mom
i find this voice memo two years later
yesterday, actually
and i dont really find it. i just sort of,
remember,
that it’s on my old phone
i dont cry until a couple minutes in
i hear the heavy breathing,
the sounds of cars
the pain in my voice
i know it got better
i feel better
most days.
but how do i tell this girl
trapped in these audio waves
that she is worth something?
my throat aches with the sadness of knowing
it will take so much time for her to know
she’s wonderful
“i dont wanna die but i want to stop living this life”
my heart is breaking with each minute
i know her so well
and yet i have forgotten how much pain she was in
who are we if not our own best friend?
i love you. i’m sorry i didn’t love you more. it’ll be okay. i promise.
