THE SAVASANA CHRONICLES:


Or how I came to be training for my first half marathon

I hated yoga. I still spent every 5:45–6:45pm on my now dirty looking at my ugly feet on my ugly chartreuse mat (I knew I would regret that color) trying to pretend that I was their for spiritual reasons. To be completely honest it was the only workout I could almost handle. I used to look forward to the final moments of class when I could stop “just using my breathe” for a few minutes and lay in savasana or corpse pose. When the literal human silly puddies in front of me would use one breathe, I would be using three or four. Savasna was my favorite, but I also hated that too. Once it came time to be still, I couldn’t stop thinking or wanting to move.

I generally spent Savasana doing anything from figuring out my tax return, fabricating a grocery list, or thinking about my match.com profile. One day I figured out that I had wasted over $8,000 on yoga classes and accessories during my lovely Savasana time. That was nice. Once day I realized that I had spent over 500 hours of my life half doing yoga. Little by little- I started using this time as a more and more useless number crunching time until finally I transitioned into just literally laying down with my eyes wide open. Every time.

I noticed with my now open eyes, that at my studio, the instructors would leave the room for about three to five minutes during Savasana, which just solidified my belief that I was never fucking closing my eyes again. They all had to pee? Really? I mean come on. I felt really angry. Really violated.

Finally, after about a year of watching the savasana process I decided enough was enough. I had a plan-and if nothing else was-this was going to serve my path. I was going to slowly steal from the studio during savasna time.

The first day was easy! After I heard my instructor Shanti (yeah right) tell us that we were exactly where we needed to be blah blah blah and walk out, I snatched up just a coupla Buddhas. No big. The next time, I took some essential oils. This continued for three weeks and was going off without a hitch! Everything was getting replaced, and I just kept taking it. I had never felt more on “my path.”

On a savasana in late May, I was quietly going about my new improved savasana business as usual-when literally an armed robber sauntered into the studio. Surprisingly quitely. No one even moved from their corpse poses. I was stunned and furious. This bimbo stole my idea and had a gun! She obviously went to this studio if she knew Savasana was right now. She walked toward me. I didn’t move. I dropped the Buddha on the floor loudly. Shanti ran back into the studio and screamed. Everyone woke up. I ran out of OMHatha, and I ran so fast that I got all the way home. I left my car there and didn’t go back to get it for about a week.

Ever since then I’ve been more of a runner than a yogi.

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