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It was December 20th 2015 around 11pm, in London and my boyfriend of 2 years, an Oxford University educated ex Morgan Stanley hedge fund manager, running £40 billion, was in a typical argumentative mood.
Drunk 2 bottles of wine on his own, and wanted to contradict and argue with every small little thing. I could see the changes happening in him, and often when he drinks all that happens is he goes into a deeper and darker place, and i just didn’t want to be there or be part of it. Yet some days he can drink and just pass out or sleep. To avoid conflict, i went downstairs and first locked myself in the bathroom because none of the other rooms had keys. He hadn’t done anything, but it was just a pure instinctual move, as if i had a voice telling me “you don’t know what he can do when he is like this”. Eventually the other voice in my head was like, “okay Nara you are being silly, this is your boyfriend and your house, go sleep in the room, you can’t sleep in the bathroom out of fear!”. And i thought to myself that obviously its not okay for me to feel unsafe in my own home.
So I went into one of the guest rooms, which had two twin beds and i tried to cover up what was happening by not giving it power or giving in to it, i just opened my laptop to do some work. He started texting me from upstairs, and i said to him, you should stop drinking and get some rest so you can be fresh tomorrow for your daughter, otherwise you are going to be impatient and aggressive with her — meaning that when he drinks a lot, his tonality becomes aggressive and he becomes short tempered and angry with life, and in this state of mind, nothing good can come out of it.
This time, he decides to come downstairs and confront me. Im lying on the left bed with my laptop on my lap, and comes to my left threatening me and screaming and my face “have i ever been aggressive with my daughter?” — i knew that if i said something like “well, no, but when u drink u are obviously impatient” or anything else he would snap. So I kept it simple and just said “No” which was the short truth. He screamed again and his eyes were angry, monstrous, as he was pointing his finger at me, angry and asked me again and i said no.
I then said to him, “but this is exactly what i mean, you are being aggressive right now with your tonality. And this is what happens when you drink, you go to a dark place.” As if to prove to me that my concept of aggression was flawed, he decided to attack me physically. He jumped on the bed, sat on me (knees on the bed, legs apart)and got ready to punch ME with full force and anger. I looked at him in shock as if with my eyes i was telling him “really, are you really going to do that to ME???!”. He retreated his punch, and instead went for my throat. I started screaming and trying to run away and he wouldn’t let me go. The two beds split apart and we fell on the floor.
I thought this was enough for him to realise how silly this was and come to his senses. Instead of coming to his senses and letting me go, he starts using Jujitsu on me, on the floor, and going for my throat. At one point he twisted and locked in my neck, and i thought, he clearly wants to kill me. One more twist my neck could break. In all this fight on the floor he got himself in the mount position, which later i read is used in Jujitsu to leave your opponent vulnerable and defenseless to your attacks. And this is exactly how i was and felt — vulnerable and defenseless. He then started choking me whilst screaming at me in anger. He said if I ever called the police he would fucking kill me and bad things would happen to me. He said that i didn’t know him and i have no idea what aggression is. And that he had a lot of bad shit done to him and that this was nothing. At this point my heart was racing, i was having trouble breathing but he wasn’t phased by that. I looked him in the eyes in full surrender so he could watch me die. At this point i realised that my whole life didn’t matter, he didn’t matter, nothing mattered anymore and it a few minutes it would all be over and i would be dead.
He then stopped the choke, and realising how i was, i thought he would regret what he did and realise how bad this was. Instead, he threatened me one more time! I was shaking my heart was beating so fast, i didn’t know what would happen next. I asked for water and he just said oh please, as if i was being weak.
He left the room and i sat there shaking, crying not really assembling what had just happened. As i sat there i scroll through my whatsapp thinking who to call for help. My brain did a scan of london, and i realised everyone was spread out, and there was nowhere i could go on time, not to mention that most would be sleeping and wouldn’t answer the phone at that time. The neighbours, in true british fashion, did not come out to see what was happening or even try to help. I was on the lower floor and i realised that anything could happen, and no one would ever hear me or find out. So i pressed 999 but didn’t hit dial, as i was contemplating whether i should call or not, given i had almost been killed for even mentioning the word police.
Then he opens the door of the bedroom. He comes back in, with a grin. I realised this wasn’t over. When he said the first 2 words, this freaked me out and i immediately hit the dial button (to 999) and said the address as fast as i could. He looked at me angry and i was so traumatized i started screaming and crying at the same time saying “you scare me” “get out” , and the minute he realised the police were now involved he left the house fuming.
The police woman on the line was asking me a million questions on the phone and i told the woman please just send someone here im scared i just want to be safe. I mean i could barely talk at that point and i could be dead any time.
The police was in the house within 5 minutes. Still in shakes, crying, traumatized, the police ask me for my statement and a million questions, and they tell me to calm down and focus. The whole experience was horrible, surreal and something i never expected to happen to me and something i don’t wish upon anyone. I never imagined these words you are reading would ever come from me, because domestic violence is one of those things you hear about but you think it happens elsewhere to other people. You excuse your partner calling him “temperamental” thinking its a bad moment and that he will change, and in all the good moments you forget what’s really underneath that fairy tale.
I thought it was important to share this story, to
1 Raise awareness on the subject of domestic violence, and abusive relationships (you never know you are in one until THAT day!) and to remind any woman who has been or is going through this, that ONE incident is all you need to lose your life. There is no love for anyone that can justify staying in such a relationship.
2 Break the stereotype of what domestic violence is, where it happens, and to whom and by whom. The truth is that it can happen to anyone, anytime, anywhere — and for as long as we keep the silence, the very men who are supposed to love us and protect us, will continue to think that this is acceptable behaviour and will continue to do it.
As i am writing this, i may sound strong, but i am still in utter shock and trying to fathom and digest everything that has happened. I feel total horror, shame and embarrassment for what happened, as the ego says we are all supposed to look perfect, cool and chic to the world. But I say, we are supposed to be truthful and authentic, and stand up for what is right and just.
May the love of Life and love of Self come before the love or hate of another.
Feel free to share this story with anyone whom it may help, and leave a comment below if you want to share any advice, comments, thoughts and suggestions.
