I’ve been super into buddhism and mindfulness in the last few months. I love the idea that anyone can be happy by simply looking at life differently. Get rid of suffering by not grasping onto an impermanent life.
What this basically means is that the way to happiness is through shutting down desire. It sounds weird from a regular perspective…it’s like “How can I be happy if I stop wanting happiness?” Well, it’s the state of acceptance and flow that provides that feeling of being content, or what we call “happy.”
So the problem for me is this: How do I turn something like my job (which I’m quitting soon) into something that I can attend and still be happy? I’m quitting my job in a few months as opposed to now because I still need the money to pay off my apartment lease. I suppose I don’t need the money from this job specifically but it’s certainly the easiest way to get it.
I keep looking at this situation and seeing that I clearly don’t want to be at my job anymore. I sometimes get in a slow and apathetic mood while working. I can picture a few more months away and constantly have the thought of quitting in the back of my mind.
I guess the mindful answer here is to stop wanting my current situation to change when I clearly and consciously won’t let it happen. If I want to quit so badly, I need to just do it now as opposed to later. And if I don’t want to quit right now, then I need to stop complaining and just flow with what life has for me right now.
I don’t want to let fear control me and yet it continues to control me because I won’t quit my job at this moment. I’m wanting the money because I have a fear that quitting during my lease puts me in danger. I’ll need to get money to continue paying rent but I won’t know where to get it. Because of that fear, I’ve trapped myself in my current job until my lease is up.
It’s a weird feeling to see my solution in front of my face and not wanting to take it because of what it might mean for my future. I suppose living with your decisions is all anyone can really do. If I want things to change sooner, I have to do it myself.