Jeffrey Dahmer Won’t Make Thanksgiving Great Again

This election we essentially had a choice to invite Martha Stewart or Jeffrey Dahmer to Thanksgiving, and even though most of us said “Martha would be cool” we are now preparing for Dahmer to enter our shared home.

Basically, voting for Trump “in spite of” the bigoted things he said and incited because you felt it would be better for the economy was a lot like inviting Dahmer to Thanksgiving because it seemed like we were running low on food and Jeffrey said he could make some delicious meals. “The best meals,” he said.

To make those meals, though, he said he’s going to deport a lot of us, to surveil and profile some of us, control the bodies of most of us, and stay cozy with people who have terrorized a lot of us for decades (after they kidnapped and exploited us, cf. slavery).

But you are now reassuring us that he didn’t really mean those things. (Although, some of you are thrilled about those things exactly and are setting the table in full anticipation.)

Even if we took the danger he poses to large swaths of us aside (LOL, yes, let’s just put all of that aside), Dahmer’s “cooking” skills are questionable at best. And, suspiciously, he refuses to prove what food he actually has or how he got that food.

Anyway, some of you decided to invite Dahmer over because you just really wanted to “shake up” Thanksgiving. What a fun idea!

Oh, also his +1 has suggested electrocuting…fine, finesubjecting a bunch of us to conversion therapy.

And, well, he’s actually bringing a whole lot of other people that none of us invited, and one of them is going to go around during dinner making our home completely unlivable because he doesn’t believe in NASA-endorsed science.


Ah, Martha.

There was the option to invite Martha Stewart. Martha Stewart who is uniquely qualified—possibly the most qualified person in modern history—to do Thanksgiving. But you would not shut up about that communications incident she had (except, importantly, in real life Clinton was cleared of wrongdoing twice), and you’ve just never really liked something about her. Also, some of you clearly don’t want some of her *cough* friends to come with her.

On top of it all, some of the people who wanted Martha to come are trying to smooth things over by saying, “Let’s just wait and see what kind of guest Jeffrey Dahmer will be. I know he hurt people in the past, and, yeah, he got a lot of us to start hurting others of us when he was asking to be invited, but maybe this time will be different. Maybe this time he won’t eat people.”