brain dump

The weight of never being good enough has risen once again, along with the bitterness that flows through my body as i sink my nails on my wrists, as hard as my fingers can possibly handle before they crack and give up. I’ve never known the feeling of feeling like a complete person… Does that mean that i’m not really a complete human? Maybe, just as i imagined, I’m actually just a third of a whole person, just the rotten part of someone who could’ve existed.

My stomach hurts and howls, asking me to go to the bathroom and put out everything i’ve ever swallowed. I want to, but I won’t. The second mug of coffee I just drank, sits down inside my body as i try to squeeze out the words to describe exactly what I’m feeling, or thinking, or both.

I try to remember how happy I felt this morning, waking up to a warm skin touching me while a pair of dark eyes were staring me like I’m so important, but everything I can remember right now is the taste of hunger and blood numbing my body and mind as I slowly become something I aspired to be mixed with something i feared being.

I feel sick. Physically and mentally, in a way that I haven’t felt in so long, I didn’t even remember how strong it was. The worst part of it is the loneliness. I can’t really describe what I’m feeling without getting into an emotional rollercoaster over my memories, so I just keep quiet and feel completely lonely.

The hunger is growing slowly as I try to choose between my conflicting thoughts.

I know I should get up and eat before it consumes even my bones. But I know I’m just gonna hate myself afterwards. But then again, I’m hating myself right now, so I might as well go out and eat right?

They just called me to have dinner, but how can I eat and be okay if instead of food all I can see are numbers in front of me? 220, 310, 400. I don’t want those. The only number I desire is 0. I feel sick. I want to throw up and I haven’t even eaten. I don’t want this feeling, no, please, not again, please.

I remember when I survived on bubblegum and air for days, I remember those showing bones, I remember that empty feeling that tasted like mint victory.

I don’t want to be a bother anymore, I don’t want to bother anyone. Why do I need to drag everybody down this rabbit hole with me? I don’t need to do that. I can just turn off my phone, and everyone would be safe from my sick destructive thoughts.

Now the feeling of the jagged edges run back to me. It’s a downward spiral. And I can’t fucking stop. I can’t even remember how it started. How did it start?

I feel cold, sick, hungry, lost and lonely.

I pretend not to listen the second call for the dinner table. I’m hoping they’ll forget me while I decide what to do next.

I need to occupy my mind with something other than numbers.

I ate and I drank. I feel heavy. I feel fat. I feel disgusting. I feel like throwing up everything i just ingested. But I need to focus on not going down that well again, I need to try to survive tonight, maybe tomorrow these thoughts will go back to being just a memory, right?

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