5 Things I Learned from Online Dating

I’ve downloaded and deleted — and then re-downloaded the same dating app (we all know which one, let’s leave it at that, OKAY) more times than I care to admit.

Alright, it’s 42.

In that time, I’ve spoken to 19 human men, visited 6 drinking establishments with 4 of those men and learned at least 5 life lessons. Want to hear them?

Disclaimer: I’ve only been using a dating app for 4 months which means you probably think I don’t know what I’m talking about.

But I do. Because 4 months is enough.

It’s enough to know that boys don’t have vaginas and that they’re really keen to prove that to you. Even if all you did was ask them how much they like Nutella.

Here’s the stuff I’ve learned. It’s important and special so please read it…

YOUR STANDARDS ARE PROBABLY LOWER THAN YOU IMAGINED

If you arrange to meet someone but then they make you want to do a tiny sick in your mouth, will you run away? Probably not.

Your time is valuable and if you’ve spent 4 days texting them funny words and carefully selected emojis, you’ll probably let them buy you 3 gin and tonics and snog them on the way home. Probably.

YOUR MUM WON’T APPROVE

No matter how mainstream, your mum will always think dating apps are populated exclusively with pervs and murderers. (She might have a point.)

GHOSTING IS A THING. AND IT FEELS FUCKING GREAT*

Some people will be nice to your face and might even buy you a slice of pizza. But then they might never speak to you ever again. Them’s the rules.

Don’t spend your time worrying whether it was because they thought you spent all that time doing a poo, when really you were just taking advantage of the posh hand cream. Just pretend they got hit by a bus on the way home. It’s easier that way.

*that was a lie, sorry.

THERE’S A LITTLE CATFISH IN ALL OF US.

Not everyone will secretly be a 65 year old called Brenda, but people will pretend that they’re mentally stable in order to get a date. Or so I’ve been told.

Point is: some people are fishes that dress up like cats — or something like that, so be careful but don’t judge…you’re probably doing it too.

IT’S ALL ABOUT HAVING FUN

Remember to take everything with a pinch of salt. It’s so easy to feel offended if someone ignores you or doesn’t call you back after a top-notch first date. If a person acts like a jerk then they probably are a jerk, so forget them. They’re gone now. They no longer exist.

If you’re not having fun and feeling like Beyoncé, then you’re not doing it with the right person. So go meet someone else, or meet no one at all. Take a little time off and treat yourself to a steak dinner to remind yourself that you’re pretty cool all by yourself.