I never publicly grieved you. I never sat with my girls bawling my eyes out over you. I never allowed myself to fully breakdown in front of them. That’s not to say they haven’t been there for me because Lord knows I couldn’t be here without them. But when it comes to you I never fully let you go.
Instead I would bring myself back to that day. It was a Wednesday. Or Thursday. I actually can’t remember now. But it was sunny out and humid. You had been working outside most of the day. When I finally came, my chosen token of love was a bottle of water.
I still very much loved you. I still very much cared about you. I still very much hoped that we would cease fire. And just for that day we did. We did.
And you said thank you. You stared at me smiling. You looked away and looked back. You said you were happy.
It was one of the better days from that summer. I smiled with no regard.
As time began to expire between us it became more difficult to look you in the eyes.
Without staring. And without feeling sad about everything that had happened between us. And without feeling like my vulnerabilities and insecurities were reflected on my face.
And that’s why I couldn’t look at you in December.
I couldn’t wipe down your arms coated in sweat and pollen. To this day I’m not sure whose sins would stain the other more. I couldn’t touch you.
We didn’t make love that day. We grabbed at each other. We were crabs in a barrel.
But it was still a good day for me. I laughed like a child. I belly laughed even. I felt happy for the most part. I felt damn close to “at home”.
A lot happened after that day. Even more after seeing you in December.
But in light of recent drama, I see now how you truly view me. A collectible, as you inferred.
And yet somehow I have found myself nurturing my self-love with tears for you.
But there is no room for you here anymore.
There is no room for you. No room for what you may think of me. No room for drama. There’s no room for that day.
I do not regret reaching out to you before. I am no longer offended by all of which has happened. I am not angry with you. I do not feel any hurt.
You are not tucked away. Neither is that day. You are simply not here. And neither is that day.
I moved on before but this is me now, healed. I have forgiven myself. I am smiling again.
You belong back to God.
And so do I.