How men can be successful in the workplace: skate by on outdated stereotypes and 6 other tips

Things are looking pretty bad for men in 2015. In a recent, shocking statement, Google revealed that men only make up 83% of their workforce. At Facebook, only 85% of all employees are male.

If that doesn’t sicken you to your core, the knowledge that only 43% of US college students are male might. Or the fact that men hold only 82% of all computer science degrees.

In the slightly modified words of Kermit the (male) frog, it’s not easy being a man. The divide between males and females has escalated in recent years, and men are losing ground faster than they can make it up again. This isn’t just a quarrel anymore — it’s a goddamn war. Now more than ever, it’s important for men to rise up and fight against the injustices that have been wrought against them at the hands of females and feminists.

Here are seven ways to ensure your success as a man:

Show your strength

Instead of asking for help when you need it, be assertive and discover the answers for yourself. If you can’t find an answer, make one up. People look up to dominant males who don’t need no help no how.

The world can be a confusing place, but if you bullshit long enough, you might be mistaken for being credible. In a pinch, search for answers on the internet — but please use private mode so as not to embarrass the rest of us. It is your right, as a man, to keep your sources of information a secret. It is also your right to revile anyone who might challenge you for doing so.

Discredit others with gusto

Since your actions cannot speak for themselves, you are likely very skilled in speaking for them. You already know how to tell the world how wonderful you are at every opportunity. When you do a good deed, you always let your family, friends, co-workers, and any nearby strangers know about it. That’s a good start, but in today’s world, it’s simply not enough.

To take things to the next level, openly disparage anyone who you do not agree with. If a woman seems successful, devote a reasonable amount of your time and energy trying to discredit her. It’s worth it!

Skate by on outdated stereotypes

Men are naturally seen as being more savvy than women are — thanks, self promotion! Use this to your advantage. It’s not necessary for you to keep up with everything; just have a general knowledge of what’s going on in the world around you and then voice your opinions about it loudly.

Since people already assume you know what you are talking about, they will likely take your word as truth, no matter how outrageous it seems at the time.

Stick with like-minded colleagues

In a world where such a shockingly low percentage of the workforce is male, it can be hard to find people who are sympathetic to your gender — but it is possible. Once you find such friends, hold them close. Give yourselves an exclusive name and fiercely mock anyone who tries to assimilate who you are as a group.

It is okay to lose your personal identity once you have found your “tribe.” Their traits are now yours. After all, a group of men is stronger than one man by himself.

Bend a company’s culture to your will

As a powerful man within a network of other similarly powerful men, it is your right to create an exclusive company culture that caters to your whims and wishes. Once you have secured employment, do your best to enact (or redact) policies and procedures that get in the way of “you doing you.”

Be a “connection” for others

Some people aren’t as fortunate on the networking front. Show how magnanimous you are by being that connection. Talk about all your friends who have high-paying, high-ranking jobs. Allow people to bask in your glory. Let them know their email to you is probably lost in the dozens of similar ones you receive each day.

Watch out for opportunists

There are a growing number of female-exclusive opportunities. Keep an eye on these organizations to ensure they do not compromise your status as alpha male. Your path to success could depend on it.

Note: This is a satirical piece inspired by an article I read this morning.