Some guidance for making f****ng difficult decisions

Reflections from a chronically indecisive person

I enjoyed hiking the Portuguese Camino because the path was simple — follow the yellow arrows

I…..hate making decisions.

I like to think that it’s only the big, important decisions that paralyze me (yes, paralyze, i.e. leaving me unable to move because I feel so stuck and confused about WHAT the “right” decision is).

Unfortunately, though, it’s also the small decisions. At restaurants, I often find myself torn between two options. A burger sounds good, I think, but this place is known for their fish n chips…which actually does sound good. But is it as satiating? Yeah I’ll get that. Wait but the burger… Thankfully, I have some strategies in place: I ask the people around me what they think, or I wait and ask the waiter, I do the classic eeny, meeny, miny, moe, or, my personal favorite- I tell myself I’m going to wait until the absolute last minute when it’s my turn to tell the waiter what I want, and use that pressure to just point to one.

I thought I was making progress when I deleted the “coin flip” app from my phone, before I realized you can just google ‘coin flip’ and that helpful or not-so-helpful tool pops right up (if you’re a chronic indecisive person like me, you know coin flips just add more confusion to the mix). People like to say, Ah, but when you see the result of the coin flip, your feeling about it tells you your answer, but that’s simply not true. I can’t explain it, but when you find yourself saying “ok, best out of three,” and continuing to flip the coin into oblivion, it becomes pretty clear that you’re just as far from your answer as when you started.

Why am I like this?

I’ve asked myself that question many times, and I’ve also googled it many times and read countless threads on Reddit, Quora, Psychology blogs, you name it. I take comfort in knowing that I’m not the only one who suffers from chronic indecisiveness, but I’d also like to know how I got to be like this and, more importantly, how I can overcome it.

Research spews out tons of reasons for why people may be chronically indecisive: fear of failure or making the wrong decision, perfectionism, overthinking (shocker), strict parents. Apparently indecisiveness can also be a symptom of mental health conditions such as ADHD, depression, or PTSD.

And then there’s astrology. Whether or not you believe that the positions of the stars and planets have any influence on us little humans on Earth, sometimes you can’t deny when your sign very accurately aligns with aspects of your personality. For example, I’m a Gemini, symbolized by twins — two faces. Two personalities, two perspectives. It represents the ability to see multiple sides of an issue, but that also means it makes it very difficult to make decisions. “They may spend a lot of time weighing their options and second-guessing themselves, which can lead to frustration and anxiety” (thanks, Times of India).

So how should we make decisions?

If you came here looking for answers on how to make decision-making easier, I’m sorry to say that I have not yet found those answers. I do, however, want to share some things I’ve learned about decision-making over the years that can at least shed some light on this under-addressed issue.

• There are no wrong decisions. First, I think the main problem is the fact that we often think there is a “right” or “wrong” decision (disclaimer: I need to take my own advice for everything I’m about to say, and I am far from mastering any of this). When I’m at the peak of analysis paralysis, the predominant thought in my frantic mind is, “What should I do!?” The reality is, though, that there are no wrong decisions. I used to think this was annoying to hear, but it’s true. If you make a decision that you regret, you learn from it. You can’t change the past, but you can look at what you did and try again differently. You either win, or you learn and you evolve, which is arguably the purpose of our life here on Earth. Let this truth bring some ease into your decision-making.
• The Paradox of Choice. It’s helpful to know that having too many options not only makes it more difficult to make a decision, but it also leaves us feeling unsatisfied with whatever we choose (because we see all of the other options we could’ve chosen). This is called the Paradox of Choice, and I’ve experienced it with everything from choosing an ice cream flavor to choosing a city to live in. I believe it is also why dating apps can be problematic, since it gives people an infinite number of potential partners at their fingertips. If you can, narrowing down your options before making a decision will make the decision easier and leave you feeling happier in the end. Isn’t it so refreshing when you go to a restaurant with a set menu? Your choices are limited, yet the meals are always delicious.
• Pro/con lists. Sometimes I feel like pro/con lists only scratch the surface when I’m trying to make a decision, because they lay out facts and not necessarily feelings. I do find them helpful for gathering information though. Some decisions, like buying a car, require you carefully weigh expenses etc. You can also use a weighted pro/con list, where you give a value (e.g. on a scale of 1–3, 1 being less important 3 being most important) to each piece of information. If I’m deciding to purchase a car, for example, one of my ‘pros’ might be “weekend trips out of town” which I’ll give a 2 (I’d like to go on weekend trips, but it’s not the MOST important thing, especially when I can rent a car). You then add up the scores of your pro/con columns.
• Go with your gut. Not all decisions are logical. Sometimes, you find yourself making a decision that makes no sense, but that you feel is the right thing to do — that’s your gut/intuition. A few months ago, I made an in-depth pro/con list that showed me I should clearly sign a lease for an apartment that was nearby, in a great location, inexpensive, and exactly what I was looking for. When I went to sign the lease, though, something was holding me back. Deep down, it didn’t feel right. After journaling about it, I realized what I really wanted to do was travel — so instead of signing the lease, I packed my bags and bought a one-way plane ticket, traveling from Africa to Europe over the course of 3 months. Looking back, I’m glad I listened to my intuition and didn’t just follow what I thought was the logical path. It’s not always easy knowing what your gut is telling you, but I think the more we learn to listen to it, the easier it becomes.
• Give yourself time. It’s not easy to make a decision when you’re in a time crunch. You do want a deadline for making the decision (otherwise you could spend all your time analyzing your options and never coming to a conclusion) but you don’t want to feel rushed, especially if it’s a big decision. Recently, I had only a few days to make a decision that would dictate what I would be doing for the next year of my life. It would require me to sell my car, sublet my apartment or end my lease, and some other big life changes. Since the decision wasn’t a “hell yes”, I requested another week before committing, and in doing so, I lost the opportunity. I’m glad I didn’t make a big decision like that under pressure. If you need more time to decide, TAKE IT. Breathe, weigh your options, and do what you need to do to say hell yes.

Remember: when you say “no” to something, you’re saying “yes” to something else

This is the biggest thing I’ve learned from decision-making. I once heard someone on a podcast say that the word “decision” has the suffix -cision, which means “process of cutting.” When we make a decision, we naturally have to cut out other things — and that’s the hardest part for me. I know that saying “yes” to something means saying “no” to every other option, which is hard for someone who wants to do everything and be everywhere, all the time. I want to try every ice cream flavor, experience living in every city, visit every country, and try every job in the world. The reality of our current existence though, until we discover immortality, is that we can’t say yes to everything…and perhaps that is what makes our “yes” so special. Maybe the process of decision-making is discovering what we are willing to say “no” to, to make room for the hell yes. Maybe it’s also about looking at what we’ve said “yes” to with wonder and appreciation, since it gives a glimpse into what our unique soul chose to value in this lifetime.