I suffer from several recurring dreams. The settings may change, but the general scenarios are always the same.
One is that no matter what I do, its wrong. I’m treated like a child, with my parents yelling at me, telling me I’m not good enough. Another is that its the middle of the night, I need to use the toilet, and despite being as quiet as possible, I wake up one of my parents. Again, much yelling ensues.
I feel that I should state, for the record, neither of these ever happened to me!
And yet I have either of these dreams at least once a week, and they leave me feeling troubled. Like I said, these aren’t memories being rehashed in my mind, these things didn’t happen to me. Yes, my parents were relatively strict, but no more so than those of my friends. If anything, I had more freedom and support growing up than a few families I know now.
I have to admit, I do remember one argument, where I was told I was a disappointment and that that person could no longer cope with me (I was 21, had finished uni, and was struggling with the pressure of trying to find a full-time job, keep a roof over my head, food in the kitchen) These off the cuff comments (which were later denied, making things even worse for me mentally), along with a psychologically abusive partner, floored me, and I’ve never really recovered. I have an inherent fear of letting people down, even if the circumstances are out of my control. I worry, I get irrationally upset and/or angry.
Recently I’ve been assessed for therapy and I’m now waiting for a regular appointment slot to become available. I hope that through this process, I can address this issue and work through it, becoming more confident in myself, and even clearing my dreams of these disturbing instances.
Its strange to think that one moment, from over a decade ago, can still have such an effect on a person.