How hard can love be
or how uncoincidental life is
And only just now I realised why I was reading this book at this point in my life in Switzerland and not when I actually first bought it, which was in February.
The book is Holly Bourne How hard can love be?
Only when the main character was kissed by the American Prom King and her American crush (she is a redhead from England) this thought came to my mind.
I wasn’t 17, or English, or a redhead or crushing on an American boy in >AMERICA for Christ’s sakes.
I am from Ukraine. Living in Switzerland and most probably leaving it in the end of July. Light brown hair, blue eyes and.. there’s this boy.
Every story has a boy. Mine isn’t a Prom King and I bet he wouldn’t like being called “boy” =)
He is 30. I’m 23. And I have no clue what I feel towards him. We know each other for a couple of weeks and had really good weekends together. But other than that, I’m more confused than Amber in “How hard can love be?”
I don’t do love. Cause I don’t have feelings. I just don’t FEEL. Not like other people do anyway.
The last time I felt smth towards someone was 2 years ago and it lasted 10 days. How hard is that?
Love is the hardest thing.
I feel pain while working out and frustration, anxiety, anger but as for CARING about anyone — NOTHING.
I don’t have it anymore. I wonder what that means.
Am I dead inside?
And this 17 year old is being kissed for the first time as we speak and contemplating all kinds of things: why he kissed another girl? what does it mean? she doesn’t really know this Kyle guy; what will happen when she gets back to England?
And I caught myself thinking same things
What is this? Fling? What will happen when I tell him I have to go home and I’m not coming back?
Would he care?
I’m not sure I care if it’s just “hanging out” sessions.
I don’t feel like I feel anything substantial.
I can masterfully romatisize it. I’m a writer for god’s sakes. That is what we were created for. But I can’t grasp the actual feeling.
That’s how hard love can be. After all the drama, disappointments and lies I find myself in the middle of this “thing” with a guy I barely know. And moreover, he cooks for me and shares his chocolate with me and washes my hair (happened only once) and carries my backpack when we go hiking (that was how we met) and plays with my hair and kisses my forehead and cries silently near me.
What does that ALL mean?
Convenient get-together? I’m there, he’s there, we’re there together.
Exchange of services? (God, how awful does THAT sound) We envelop each other in hugs and provide sexual satisfaction.
Crush? Fling? Romance?
Well, it’s not love.
Though how would I know? I practically never experienced it.
The only thing I know — I like being around him and it is incredibly easy to do that. It’s like he’s the most uncomplicated person I’ve ever met.
Or really lonely and that’s why he likes to spend all the weekend with me.
Not like I would mind any of it, I just question and question.
One more amazing thing about being with him is — I forget the world and that I’m gonna leave in a month.
This case of a “relationship” has to be studied under microscope.
But I’m too busy reading my uncountable books and Amber and Kyle’s story
I know one thing for sure, there are no coincidences and my guess is my MAN (haha) is here for me to make it easier, to ask me out every Friday and stay till late on Sunday, when I just HAVE to get back home. Maybe he’s my escape, my little safe haven where I can be myself and not overthink every little detail of my departure, life and non-existent feelings.