If He’d Only Had A Woman
Of course there’s a woman, Mandy Stadtmiller, who wrote about having sympathy for incels after the Toronto van attack because why not, 2018? (Has this year had its patron demon named yet? High time.) One of the articles that inspired her compassionate take was this one, which opened with the declaration, “The internet is enabling a community of men who want to kill women.”
The internet, huh? We’ll get back to that.
The recipient of Stadtmiller’s sympathy, Jack Peterson, grew up with a single mom, was bullied at school, and later on was only able to have one unsatisfactory relationship with a woman he describes as having cheated on and physically attacked him. Let’s back up though, to when Peterson realized, evidently, that he was pretty much washed up forever.
“ At the age of 11, Peterson visited 4chan for the first time, and he saw his rage and loneliness expressed as well as the impotence of such advice as “just get over it.” He didn’t know how to. He didn’t have anyone to ask. He just didn’t want any more ridicule.”
As the people of the wrench and toolbox might say, I think I see your problem, right there.
If you start hanging out with the internet’s worst people this side of the darkweb at the age of 11, and spend your formative years talking with angry, angry men who go on about killing people for fun, or to “let off steam,” the probability that you will develop terrible social skills that will deepen your loneliness approaches 1. You stand at significant risk of turning into a creepy person, with terrible taste in human relationships, and any number of raging obsessions that ordinary people will find off-putting.
Guys who are hanging out on 4chan all the time, and also notice that they have a hard time connecting emotionally with other people when they talk to them in person … these problems are positively correlated, and they are therefore tractable.
As a terribly awkward child with few friends, I’m glad that not only didn’t I decide my life prospects were destroyed at 11, but that I was a girl. When girls and women talk about being lonely, we tend to make different suggestions to each other than guys do. I wish I could find that spectacular essay I read a couple years ago, where a woman talked about the frenzy of self-improvement and cultivation of interests we tend to engage in when lonely, and also how absolutely no one suggests that we deserve pity sex, but I can’t. Instead, I’ll point out that the audience for the self-help industry is 70 percent women and let you fill in the rest.
Yes, ‘work on yourself’ is vague, unsatisfactory advice. Too bad, because we’re all broken in our own special way! And still, all the women you know had to take that same advice and run with it our whole lives.
But this is not what I mainly wanted to write about. It’s the numerous suggestions that the real problem with these guys, this “new,” “internet” subculture, is that they need women in their lives.
It has been suggested that they visit prostituted women. This is a terrible idea on many grounds, including that violent men often hit prostituted women so hard, or slam them into walls or furniture, that they give them traumatic brain injuries. One man suggested redistribution of sex to those who can’t get any, and this is also a terrible idea. There can be no right to sex without violating the autonomy and rights of others, and that is true no matter who says so. Going along with the premise of violent, woman-hating men that women are the issue — because of the notion that this is a new problem, maybe even one invented by the internet — is also a terrible idea. That’s just letting the terrorists win.
Around the world, men marry girl children, have committed multiple rapes since you started reading this, exploit trafficked women and children without remorse, and beat or harass women for the purposes of forcing us into submission. Around the world, about half of all women murdered are murdered by an intimate partner or family member.
We know that these murders are mainly what are described as “honor crimes,” and they should probably also be called that when they happen in countries like the US, when a man feels his honor has been insulted by a woman filing for divorce or refusing to give him her phone number. In the US, around three women are killed every day by a current or former intimate partner, and roughly half of mass shootings involve domestic violence.
These men don’t need women. Not the so-called incels, not any of these violent jerks. They need to lose the selfish idea that the world owes them intimate contact with other people, or any sort of female companionship. Fix yourselves first, tell all your friends.
These are just stories from the last few months, and some I remembered from headlines in recent years. I could go on. But you see the point, or you never will.
Toronto van attack guy wouldn’t have been a less evil person if he had just killed women in the privacy of his own home. Somewhere along the line he went bad in a way that meant his company wouldn’t be safe for women.
A man filled with murderous rage at women doesn’t need a woman, or women’s sympathy. He needs to deal with his rage problem, and find something productive to do with his time that doesn’t fuel his anger or entitlement.
Because I have known plenty of girls who didn’t have a stable mother figure in their lives, or got made fun of in school, or were rejected by men, maybe were even cheated on or abused. Awkward girls. Loner nerd girls. Girls with terrible acne. Big girls, some of whom grew up to be big women, and for whom the mocking didn’t stop when they joined the adult world. None of them sits around on internet forums egging their friends on to kill, rape, or maim people, as a “joke.”
Women suffer rejection and abuse, too. As children. As adults. When we talk about how we feel about that, no one suggests bringing us unwilling men to make us happier, and we don’t argue that they should. Men almost never rush up to be sympathetic and suggest that we might have a point when we’re angry with how men treat us. We almost never deal with rejection in love with murder sprees. Hell, we aren’t even allowed to use years’ worth of domestic battery or abuse of our children as a murder defense.
Men really need to get over themselves, in other words, and practice thinking of other people’s needs, as women like Ms. Stadtmiller have learned how to do all too well. Women aren’t born knowing that, it’s a learned behavior.
Because there are not enough women in the world to fix in men what they won’t fix on their own initiative. Though there wouldn’t be enough of us if we outnumbered them two to one; especially because they keep killing us, and they never needed some internet forum to get worked up enough to do that.