How To Be Alone.
I’m trying to grow comfortable with the idea that I’m going to die alone. No matter how many people will surround me on that day, one or even twenty, I’ll face that moment completely alone. Life is no different. When I was younger (I’m still young so don’t hold this against me), I thought of friends and family as a sort of rock. People I could depend on for anything at any time. Don’t get me wrong, I have incredible people in my life. The sad reality is, everything I face in life and every problem I encounter is MY problem. So, eventually, it is I who has to want to fix it.
It used to terrify me, the thought of being alone. In my early teens, I surrounded myself with people I barely knew. If you met me then, you’d almost think I was an extrovert. From the way I spoke to the petty issues I faced, I depended on crowds as a clutch. It’s difficult for me to admit but after losing almost everyone I thought was a friend, I was confronted with something much more sinister than I could have ever imagined, loneliness.
Loneliness is not a habit that is fed to you, it’s something you learn. No matter how uncomfortable it is, growing into loneliness can be the greatest gift. But it’s a double-edged sword. Is there such a thing as being too comfortable with being alone? Because I can’t recall a time in the recent years where I’ve preferred the company of others over my own company. Ignoring calls and texts simply because I don’t want to talk to anyone. Sometimes I’m selfish and I could care less about how it affects those close to me so, many who I care for can say they never feel my love when they need it the most; which isn’t ideal.
On the flip side, I take care of myself. I do things that I want to do rather than being influenced by outside opinions. I understand and forgive myself. I’m alone, but I’m not lonely. I value my peace over breaking my back to help others and maybe I am selfish. Or maybe it’s a way of protecting my energy. Yet, sometimes I find myself wondering what I’m missing. Whether a movie may be better if I had someone sat next to me or if sometimes my problems would appear smaller if I always had someone to tell them to. Either way, I’m not sad about my short list of friends but I can’t help but think that somewhere along the way, I may have missed a key experience that only comes from allowing yourself to love freely.
It’s all very confusing if I’m being honest because I barely understand it myself. One thing is certain though, Loneliness is not vacated by having people around you. Everyone has the power to decide what loneliness entails. We often feel pressured by other people’s lives. Seeing people on social media posting about their experiences can make us feel like that’s how we want to live our lives. But it’s okay not to want to go out every night or see people every day.
The ultimate trick is to find a balance. Understand that no person can exist in complete isolation yet you still have control over who has access to you. Noticing how you feel after talking to certain people and keeping account of how your social battery reacts to particular settings. It’s not neuroscience yet many people, including myself, struggle to find the good in between where you can keep to yourself without being a snob. The first step is accepting that you can’t do everything on your own and then learning how to set boundaries. And sometimes, it’s okay to get lonely but don’t allow loneliness to drive you back to people who no longer inspire you because that’s not their obligation either. I could go on and on, pretending I have all the answers but that’s not true.
