But then it read let’s “schedule a call.”

And I knew it was over. :(

This guy, Nick, (not that ^ guy) wrote an email to me. He is part of a company that, I guess, does marketing? It wasn’t really clear in his email but he did mention helping me acquire more patrons. So I wrote back asking for some more details and do you know what Nick said? He said “let’s schedule a call.”

No thanks, dude.

Here’s how I work.

I will reply via email. It will start with:

Hey Nick,

And then I will stare at my screen, thinking, for a few minutes which is the sort of silence that doesn’t go over well on the phone.

Then I will type a bit. Erase it. Google search Oxford commas (or something relevant) and CTRL-Z the previously deleted sentence.

I will look up while lightly feeling the recesses in the keys on the keyboard and trace an inanimate object with my eyes (wall trim, fireplace, etc).

There will be lots of silent gazing but an occasional “hmmm” will offer the illusion of thought while I, in reality, struggle to think.

I will write another sentence or two and end a few with exclamation points to compensate for my lack of enthusiasm; then worry and reconsider my exclamation point usage and dial it back if necessary.

I will then poorly proofread, click send and quickly head to my sent folder. I will open the email that I just sent and read it again as if I am the recipient. I will harshly judge myself accordingly.

This is my method, Nicholas. This is my safe place. We will not be talking on the phone.

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