I Am Part of the Resistance Inside Nate Koch’s Ego Administration

Nate
Nate
Sep 7, 2018 · 4 min read

In a rare step, we have decided to publish this op-ed anonymously. We have done so at the request of the author, who is a senior official within Nate Koch’s administrative ego structures, and whose job would be jeopardized by the following disclosures.

What we senior administrators like to say about Nate Koch is: “You gotta love him!” Pretty much always, we mean this sarcastically.

I’m sure you’re all aware by now that it’s a chaotic time for the Nate administration. Nate is both high-strung and lazy, and he is bad at doing simple things, like for example doing his laundry on a regular/predictable schedule. He is new at being an adult and really has no clue what’s going on. He has no idea if he’s pursuing the right career or not. Also he’s spending loads of cash on rent every month just to be in New York City, and he doesn’t even really know if he truly wants to be here.

He’s always kind of just flopping around and saying things like “wow, it’s super hot out right now” and “I should buy myself ice-cream or something.”

The dilemma — which he doesn’t fully grasp — is that many of the senior officials in the administrative structures of his identity are working diligently from within to frustrate parts of his agenda and his worst inclinations. I am part of that resistance.

The thing is, I know what’s actually good for Nate. I’ve got things figured out in ways that he’s still very far from understanding. For example: I know for a fact that stand-up comedy is a dumb/bad career choice to pursue. It just is. He should just casually take improv classes instead and stop thinking so much about stand-up. What good has stand-up comedy ever done for anybody? I don’t even need to explain — just think about it for like a second and you’ll see my point.

But Nate has no guiding principals. He’s just dumb that way. Sometimes he’ll be like “I don’t know why I do stand-up, I think I should quit and focus on other things,” and then the next day he’ll listen to some idiot’s podcast episode about how awesome stand-up is, and then next thing you know he’s waiting around to go up at another open mic. He has, like, no compass when it comes to anything. No alignment.

He has formulated his identity around the idea of being a “creative” person, but he demonstrates little affinity for the ideals espoused by artists. He isn’t broke, he isn’t suffering for his art (at least from what I can see), he is scared and slow to take classes in the things he wants to improve at. He’s definitely not living much of a renegade life right now — I mean, he literally works at an insurance company. He gets sleepy at like 9:30 and goes to bed by 10. In his free time he just reads and maybe writes a little bit and then watches nature documentaries while eating his housemate’s gummy bears.

Look — my job is to sure up Nate’s “whole deal,” so that he’s a coherent-appearing person. Honestly I don’t care what he decides on doing, I’m just here to make sure he makes some sort of choice. So while Nate putters around and fantasizes about what it’d be like to move to Portland and open up his own petting zoo, me and my team are working behind the scenes, carefully undermining his erroneous steps towards becoming the sort of person who is always saying “I contain multitudes.”

For example, last night I tricked Nate into going onto Street Easy and looking at studio apartments in Brooklyn with 1-year leases. He ended up spending the whole night admiring the glossy, wide-angle pictures of places he can only barely afford, and then while he was getting ready to sleep he thought about how nice it’d be to know that he had a year’s worth of life to live here. Just to have that certainty.

We’ve learned that he is overall weaker at night, which makes him more susceptible to accepting organizing narratives about his being. Another cool thing we like to do sometimes is draw his attention towards his friends from college, who have already resettled happily in new locations and are doing amazing things — like his friend who got hired to do campaign organizing for the DNC, or his other friend who moved to Hollywood and is working at a high-profile talent agency. This also makes him desire for a stronger, better “deal.”

There is a quiet resistance within Nate’s administration that is choosing to put ego first. I believe that over time, the resistance will win. You can bet on that, or my name isn’t Ben Carson wait damn it I wasn’t supposed to reveal who I am, and also now I’m mixing metaphors here and the parody aspect of this whole thing is very confusing why can’t I find the delete key damnit someone help me please delete this part before you publish it thanks.

Nate

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Nate

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