64 NECESSARY Steps for Becoming a True Tech Bro (Ignore at Your Peril)
Everyone wants to be a 28-year-old running around the world rich off a web startup.
You might think the secret is to become a skilled programmer, join a company at the right time and work really hard till you get your payoff.
But that’s only part of it.
There’s a second, unspoken, necessary step…
You must become a tech bro.
Lucky for you, these 63 steps will help you become more tech bro-y than 95% of the posers out there (we call them “wantrepreneurs,” you’ll need to add that to your vocabulary).
Embrace it. Embody it. Let the tech bro flow through you.
And remember how I helped you when you’re being interviewed on TechCrunch.
- Travel a lot. Brag about how you can work from anywhere.
- Brag about how few things you own.
- Read everything from Tim Ferriss. Reference stuff from his writing and podcasts and pretend you learned it somewhere else.
- Put butter and coconut oil in your coffee, or in your Pu-erh tea if you want to be a real try-hard.
- Make fun of people working shitty “9–5” corporate jobs where they have no freedom. Work 80 hour weeks.
- Stop drinking coffee. Then start again and stop drinking alcohol. Then start again and stop masturbating. Then start again and stop drinking coffee.
- Write articles giving life advice for Medium. It doesn’t matter how successful you’ve been, people LOVE listicles about how to be successful.
- Try LSD or Mushrooms. Bonus points if you start micro-dosing.
- Go to Burning Man. Periscope-stream yourself completing step 8.
- Read Stoic philosophy, or, at least, the Wikipedia page. Tell everyone that Marcus Aurelius and Seneca are your favorite philosophers despite not reading any others.
- Host second-degree dinners and only invite other tech bros. Complain when no women come.
- Start meditating. It doesn’t actually matter if you keep doing it, only that you tell everyone you do it and how they should too.
- Wear only jeans and hoodies. If it’s warm enough, a free t-shirt you got from another startup is acceptable.
- Hire a virtual assistant. Compete with your friends to come up with the most ridiculous thing for them to do.
- Switch to a standing desk. Bonus points for a treadmill desk. MORE bonus points for a hamster wheel.
- Stop checking your email. Be sure to make an obnoxious autoresponder about how busy you are, or to mention it when you reply to an email a day or two late.
- Drink kombucha and tell everyone about its health benefits. Make it yourself for bonus points.
- Watch Shark Tank and argue with your friends over what should be invested in. Have wet dreams about Mark Cuban making it rain on you.
- Put stickers of your startup on your laptop hoping that someone asks about it.
- Go on dates and talk only about your startup. Complain about women never wanting to go on second dates.
- Have a Fitbit despite not exercising. Or exercise a ton and talk about how essential it is for your productivity. There is no middle ground.
- Continuously talk about how you only do what you love and everyone else should too, despite the fact that you’re from an upper middle-class family and went to a top 20 school.
- Be convinced your startup's mission is the most honorable / selfless of all.
- Spend most of your day deciding which emojis to use as a response in Slack. Bonus points if you give up and design a new one.
- Stop reading the news. If you see someone holding a newspaper, be sure to point out how dumb they are.
- Say you “don’t have time” to shave.
- Do things that don’t scale.
- Spend your weekends trying to start a lifestyle business. Talk about how it’s going to let you quit your job and travel the world.
- Take cold showers. It’s good for your immune system and testosterone or something.
- Be surprisingly financially responsible by funneling all of your money into Wealthfront.
- Complain about how hard it is to meet women. Only hang out with other tech bros.
- Ditch your car. Uber and Lyft are “more economical” and you’re too busy to drive anyway.
- After step 32, buy a hoverboard, monowheel, or boosted board. Make fun of people who “drive.”
- “So I have this startup idea…”
- Wake up at 6am every day, tell people how much more productive they’ll be if they do too.
- Or, wake up at 10am. Be sure to brag about how your job lets you work whatever hours you want.
- Bonus points if you switch between #35 and #36 every month or so.
- Be on at least one diet at all times and tell everyone about it, be it IF, slow carb, keto...
- Wear vibram 5-finger shoes. Raised heels are bad for your achilles tendon or something.
- Don’t go grocery shopping — that’s for peasants. Exclusively use Instacart.
- Actually, don’t go shopping period. Use Amazon Prime for everything, even toilet paper. Amazon Now when you need condoms.
- Try at least one new productivity hack a week and tell everyone how it’s made you so much more productive. Stop doing it next week.
- Reference the 80/20 principle and / or Parkinson’s law at least once daily.
- Make sure one of your favorite books is by Ayn Rand.
- Don’t brag about your car or physical possessions. Instead, brag about how many visits/shares/downloads your website/blog/app got.
- Complain about your Uber / Lyft driver trying to talk to you.
- Keep checking Slack on your phone during dinner, coffee, dates, sex.
- Have neck cramps from checking your phone so much. Good thing you have in-office massages.
- Buy Bitcoin. Tell everyone that it’s about to go up.
- Listen exclusively to EDM. It makes you more productive.
- Refer to people as “wantrepreneurs” despite never actually starting anything successful yourself (no, that “social media consultancy” doesn’t count).
- Brag about not watching TV anymore. Except Silicon Valley. And Shark Tank. And Game of Thrones…
- Refuse to take phone calls. Don’t answer calls from numbers you don’t recognize. In fact, don’t answer calls period. And, of course, make sure you don’t have an answering machine.
- Do a “Dev Bootcamp.” OR make fun of people who do them.
- Start a blog. Give advice on starting companies, marketing, growth, fundraising, etc. that you’re completely unqualified to be giving.
- Join a dozen “growth hacking” communities. Maybe one of them will give you a trick to get users without doing any real work. (Spoiler, they won’t).
- Get rejected from Y Combinator. Tell everyone how they don’t actually help companies that much anyway.
- Can’t get VC money? Tell everyone you’re bootstrapping it deliberately. They’ll never know.
- Read obsessively, just so long as its startup related books or ones that Tim Ferriss recommended. Scoff at people who don’t read.
- Stop watching movies. Only watch TED talks. Bring them up in conversation to show how cultured you are.
- Have deep conversations about the future of humanity and world changing technology. Then spam forums with links to your info-product sales page.
- Boast about your latest productivity hack. Spend the next 3 hours on reddit looking for more productivity hacks.
- Take down your sports / celebrity posters. Put up ones of Elon Musk, Steve Jobs, and Startup Vitamins instead.
- Share this article to prove how much of a tech bro you are.