64 NECESSARY Steps for Becoming a True Tech Bro (Ignore at Your Peril)

One day, all this could be yours…

Everyone wants to be a 28-year-old running around the world rich off a web startup.

You might think the secret is to become a skilled programmer, join a company at the right time and work really hard till you get your payoff.

But that’s only part of it.

There’s a second, unspoken, necessary step…

You must become a tech bro.

Lucky for you, these 63 steps will help you become more tech bro-y than 95% of the posers out there (we call them “wantrepreneurs,” you’ll need to add that to your vocabulary).

Embrace it. Embody it. Let the tech bro flow through you.

And remember how I helped you when you’re being interviewed on TechCrunch.

  1. Travel a lot. Brag about how you can work from anywhere.
  2. Brag about how few things you own.
  3. Read everything from Tim Ferriss. Reference stuff from his writing and podcasts and pretend you learned it somewhere else.
  4. Put butter and coconut oil in your coffee, or in your Pu-erh tea if you want to be a real try-hard.
  5. Make fun of people working shitty “9–5” corporate jobs where they have no freedom. Work 80 hour weeks.
  6. Stop drinking coffee. Then start again and stop drinking alcohol. Then start again and stop masturbating. Then start again and stop drinking coffee.
  7. Write articles giving life advice for Medium. It doesn’t matter how successful you’ve been, people LOVE listicles about how to be successful.
  8. Try LSD or Mushrooms. Bonus points if you start micro-dosing.
  9. Go to Burning Man. Periscope-stream yourself completing step 8.
  10. Read Stoic philosophy, or, at least, the Wikipedia page. Tell everyone that Marcus Aurelius and Seneca are your favorite philosophers despite not reading any others.
  11. Host second-degree dinners and only invite other tech bros. Complain when no women come.
  12. Start meditating. It doesn’t actually matter if you keep doing it, only that you tell everyone you do it and how they should too.
  13. Wear only jeans and hoodies. If it’s warm enough, a free t-shirt you got from another startup is acceptable.
  14. Hire a virtual assistant. Compete with your friends to come up with the most ridiculous thing for them to do.
  15. Switch to a standing desk. Bonus points for a treadmill desk. MORE bonus points for a hamster wheel.
  16. Stop checking your email. Be sure to make an obnoxious autoresponder about how busy you are, or to mention it when you reply to an email a day or two late.
  17. Drink kombucha and tell everyone about its health benefits. Make it yourself for bonus points.
  18. Watch Shark Tank and argue with your friends over what should be invested in. Have wet dreams about Mark Cuban making it rain on you.
  19. Put stickers of your startup on your laptop hoping that someone asks about it.
  20. Go on dates and talk only about your startup. Complain about women never wanting to go on second dates.
  21. Have a Fitbit despite not exercising. Or exercise a ton and talk about how essential it is for your productivity. There is no middle ground.
  22. Continuously talk about how you only do what you love and everyone else should too, despite the fact that you’re from an upper middle-class family and went to a top 20 school.
  23. Be convinced your startup's mission is the most honorable / selfless of all.
  24. Spend most of your day deciding which emojis to use as a response in Slack. Bonus points if you give up and design a new one.
  25. Stop reading the news. If you see someone holding a newspaper, be sure to point out how dumb they are.
  26. Say you “don’t have time” to shave.
  27. Do things that don’t scale.
  28. Spend your weekends trying to start a lifestyle business. Talk about how it’s going to let you quit your job and travel the world.
  29. Take cold showers. It’s good for your immune system and testosterone or something.
  30. Be surprisingly financially responsible by funneling all of your money into Wealthfront.
  31. Complain about how hard it is to meet women. Only hang out with other tech bros.
  32. Ditch your car. Uber and Lyft are “more economical” and you’re too busy to drive anyway.
  33. After step 32, buy a hoverboard, monowheel, or boosted board. Make fun of people who “drive.”
  34. “So I have this startup idea…”
  35. Wake up at 6am every day, tell people how much more productive they’ll be if they do too.
  36. Or, wake up at 10am. Be sure to brag about how your job lets you work whatever hours you want.
  37. Bonus points if you switch between #35 and #36 every month or so.
  38. Be on at least one diet at all times and tell everyone about it, be it IF, slow carb, keto...
  39. Wear vibram 5-finger shoes. Raised heels are bad for your achilles tendon or something.
  40. Don’t go grocery shopping — that’s for peasants. Exclusively use Instacart.
  41. Actually, don’t go shopping period. Use Amazon Prime for everything, even toilet paper. Amazon Now when you need condoms.
  42. Try at least one new productivity hack a week and tell everyone how it’s made you so much more productive. Stop doing it next week.
  43. Reference the 80/20 principle and / or Parkinson’s law at least once daily.
  44. Make sure one of your favorite books is by Ayn Rand.
  45. Don’t brag about your car or physical possessions. Instead, brag about how many visits/shares/downloads your website/blog/app got.
  46. Complain about your Uber / Lyft driver trying to talk to you.
  47. Keep checking Slack on your phone during dinner, coffee, dates, sex.
  48. Have neck cramps from checking your phone so much. Good thing you have in-office massages.
  49. Buy Bitcoin. Tell everyone that it’s about to go up.
  50. Listen exclusively to EDM. It makes you more productive.
  51. Refer to people as “wantrepreneurs” despite never actually starting anything successful yourself (no, that “social media consultancy” doesn’t count).
  52. Brag about not watching TV anymore. Except Silicon Valley. And Shark Tank. And Game of Thrones…
  53. Refuse to take phone calls. Don’t answer calls from numbers you don’t recognize. In fact, don’t answer calls period. And, of course, make sure you don’t have an answering machine.
  54. Do a “Dev Bootcamp.” OR make fun of people who do them.
  55. Start a blog. Give advice on starting companies, marketing, growth, fundraising, etc. that you’re completely unqualified to be giving.
  56. Join a dozen “growth hacking” communities. Maybe one of them will give you a trick to get users without doing any real work. (Spoiler, they won’t).
  57. Get rejected from Y Combinator. Tell everyone how they don’t actually help companies that much anyway.
  58. Can’t get VC money? Tell everyone you’re bootstrapping it deliberately. They’ll never know.
  59. Read obsessively, just so long as its startup related books or ones that Tim Ferriss recommended. Scoff at people who don’t read.
  60. Stop watching movies. Only watch TED talks. Bring them up in conversation to show how cultured you are.
  61. Have deep conversations about the future of humanity and world changing technology. Then spam forums with links to your info-product sales page.
  62. Boast about your latest productivity hack. Spend the next 3 hours on reddit looking for more productivity hacks.
  63. Take down your sports / celebrity posters. Put up ones of Elon Musk, Steve Jobs, and Startup Vitamins instead.
  64. Share this article to prove how much of a tech bro you are.
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