Anxiety (is that title good enough?)

Yesterday was World Mental Health Day. As a personal exercise, I decided to write a bit about my experience with a mental disorder that has always been around me and played — apparently, it plays still — a big role in my life. So, here I am to talk about anxiety. My anxiety disorder, and how it changed my life in so many ways (or maybe I’ll just complain about it).

I don’t really know what was the turning point where it all began to intensify. Maybe I have some ideas of when that change started to happen, but that’s not the main point. The thing is that anxiety has always been there and it is, indeed, part of who I am.

Having an anxiety disorder is not funny, nor cool or easygoing. It can turn into so many other things, like an eating disorder — which is my case — , panic syndromes, phobias and stuff. And it’s a shitty place to be. Of course I cannot compare it to other diseases that I do not have, but let me be clear about this: anxiety is a bitch. And its fucking hard to deal with.

It’s hard to describe what it feels like, because it’s so ingrained in your daily attitudes that you barely perceive it, if you don’t have access to therapy and help. I see my anxiety when someone decides that for some reason they will seat on the chair that is not close to me (on a bus/library/college/etc), and I immediately assume that the decision was made based on that person being bothered by me, not liking me, or anything that’s related to me not being accepted by someone I don’t even know.

I see my anxiety when I’m cool for a long time, and then suddenly, in a beautiful Sunday morning, all my fears and problems and issues I thought I had made peace with come upon me at the same time, making me angry, fearful, insecure, depressive. I see it when something happens, or when I don’t even realize what happened, and I run to the fridge just to find some peace and comfort in a self-destructive eating time.

I see my anxiety in my capacity of being surrounded and loved by a thousand amazing people and still fell alone and unworthy of love and happiness. I see it on those days where I have a thousand things to do, and all I can actually do is suffer and get nervous before I even start to do them, because I know I’ll get caught in anxiety and will end up doing none: then I’ll feel guilty, and shitty, and the guilt circle will start over and over again, leaving me there, petrified.

I see my anxiety when all of a sudden I decide to throw away all my writing, all the texts I have done, because they are not and will never be good enough for anything. I saw it when I canceled a three hundred page file that was supposed to become the book I always wanted to write. When I just decide to get rid of anything that says “well yeah, you know, ya’ ain’t that good”, as if it weren’t part of my growing, of who I am. Always based on my biggest fear: rejection.

I also see it when, for some deep-rooted, sad reasons, I keep reaching for defense mechanisms that are senseless and hurt me all the time. That prevent me to believe in a healthy relationship; that make me screw over any damn good thing that happens to me. That, somehow, make me get into a dangerous process of self sabotage.

Mental health is an issue, it’s real, and it’s important. The only reason I can see it today, understand it a bit and maybe try to work on my personal problem, is because I had help. So much help! Going from medicines to a long, painful and amazing therapy process. I still have bad, really bad days. But once you understand what is going on, you can try to find a way to not fall dangerously into it. It is getting better, in my case.

It’s not over; I don’t think it will ever be. But it can get better. It can be treated. I deserve to have an amazing life despite of it. Everyone with mental health disorders does. We are worthy. We are awesome. It’s part of who we are and it does not cancel everything else — we still love music, we are still great friends, great lovers, we like to cook, we like to travel, we can be great listeners, people with a lot to offer, just as anybody else. We just need to remember that. And work on it — daily.