Mitch McConnell: Not Turtle-y Enough for the Turtle Club
Hey Mitch, it’s us. The Turtle Club. Listen, we got your application again… and there’s no easy way to say this… but the boys were talking and we just don’t think it’s gonna work out. We have a reputation as docile but lovable little scamps. Sure, sometimes we can smell a little icky and feel a little gross, but you’re slimy and you reek of shit. That’s just a bad image for us.
Look, we don’t want to embarrass you. We know how important it is for you to fit in with the rest of the turtles. It’s just hard because like the rest of the world, we don’t really like you that much. I know without our shells us turtles wouldn’t have backbones, but you’re totally spineless! We have a long line of great turtles that belong to our group: Leonardo, Michelangelo, Raphael, Donatello, that really big one, Franklin, the one from Finding Nemo, the other one from Finding Nemo, Mock, the list goes on. When considering a legacy like that, we just don’t feel comfortable having a guy who’s complicit in putting kids in cages as a part of that group. C’mon dude. We’re turtles, not monsters!
This can’t be easy to hear. But hey, you’re already part of a likeminded group of spineless reptiles: The Republican Party! Surely you have plenty of friends to keep you company. Maybe you can catch up with your old pal Jeff Sessions? We hear you like Russia a lot, maybe try moving there? Surely the weather would be great considering how cold-blooded you are.
Let’s not make a big thing out of this, okay? Ultimately, it’s what’s for the best for everyone. You don’t have much time left on this earth, and maybe instead of trying to fit in, you can just crawl into a hole and stay there for like… ever. Anyways, we hope mom “accidentally” backs over you in the driveway with her Rav4.
See you in Hell, Mitch!
Sincerely,
The Turtle Club
