You can find me sitting at home, working to piece my life back together through recovery from alcohol addiction, divorce, death, loss and heartache. How have I made it to this focal point in my life and how can I get back to a truly happy life? Some say that I've given up, or that I just don't care anymore. I am slowly climbing out of a pit I have lived in for so long, a pit of shit and filth that never released my spirit to happiness. A pit that swallowed me up whole and spit me out like I was nothing to it but a fucking joke. There are things that make me who I am, like the newly discovered BPD that causes me to think that everyone hates me down to my deepest levels, or that my loving partner will leave me for even the slightest infraction. It doesn't help that I am newly out of a long term relationship in which there was emotional abuse and a general feeling of unworthiness. When anything happens, anything at all I feel like the world has it out for me and that I have to hide from all of it. This has been a trait of mine for years. When my step father told me he was disappointed in me it struck me at the core and inflicted the most hurt I could bear. I couldn't fucking take it half the time. I spent the better part of my years in and out of therapy, trying to solve the puzzle in my mind of what was wrong with me and how the hell I can fix it. I've heard it all; depression, schizophrenia, social anxiety disorder. I am very guarded around everyone, even those who I am closest to. I have to be careful to word everything right to everyone so as not to upset them and have them hate me even though they would never hate me. My paranoia drives me insane and leans me towards an edge that when provoked properly, tips me off the edge to a bottomless and unforgiving, never ending fall, into chaos and torture. My family sells one thing to make money because times are tough and I feel like I have done that to them somehow and its my fault, how terrible a person I must be to do that to my own family. Or even when I get into a fight with my partner, I will always let her win because I would rather end the fight and get out of the hell of confrontation than win even if I truly feel that I am right. Because of this my feelings towards people are very shallow, I hate to meet anyone new and I am uncomfortable around groups. The hell of it all is the nonsense voices I can hear constantly, always telling me and reminding me that I am terrible and that I have never amounted to anything. “Why do I have to deal and cope with things like this?”, “Why am I the way I am?” “I've lost my family, friends and loved ones, many of them forever all because of my paranoia.” “Everyone must hate me and think I am so stupid.” That is what I hear. Sometimes I will make a simple mistake and then beat myself up so bad that I can no longer stand to think about what it is I have done. I get so anxious, nervous and uncomfortable that I will get nauseated and sometimes get sick. How can I get over the paranoia and the negative thoughts? This disease is still new to me and I have yet to really come to terms with it but I have always known something was wrong with me.
When I was a teenager I had some issues that is certain. I felt that I wasn't living my life up to my parents expectations and I really wanted to talk to them about it but I couldn't bear to have them think of me as a failure or a fuck up so I kept my emotions all bottled in as best I could and never revealed them unless they were absolutely too much weight to bear. This led to me not having a very good communication with my family. My parents both ran a mobile home community together and were always so busy with work that even as an adult, it was hard to communicate with them. My parents were for lack of a better term more involved with their jobs then they were with their families. This was easily the single most painful thing to deal with growing up. At the end of the day when I had something that I really wanted to communicate to my mother she was just to exhausted to hear our needs. I think they realized these things when I grew up and moved out and they only had my brother there to raise. He started to get the attention that I never really got. It broke my heart to see that my family was doing so great without me there and I immediately associated that with the fact that I was no longer there. “Was their miserable and sad life my doing?”, “Is this all my fault?” So I took my new family and I tried to distance myself as much as possible from them. My wife used to be someone that I loved entirely and I appreciated with all of my heart, which would make sense considering I married her. But I quickly learned that people tend to change, and the change was inside of me. I turned twenty one and I was legal to drink finally and then it started to really deteriorate from there. Now that all of these bad things have happened because of me, now I can really begin to understand that it was the drinking that tipped me off of that cliffs edge. I drank to forget pain, when I was drunk was the only time I didn't care what others thought of me and I could just truly be myself. But my father always told me that if it seems too good to be true then it usually is and I began to feel a shift in my priorities, my priorities became about “needing” a drink rather than “wanting” one. It broke my families hearts to watch me do this to myself and even my wife's. Here I stood and not only did I need help, I didn't want the help. Rather than supporting me and showing that she cared, my wife would scrutinize me for drinking and tell me that I am a terrible person for doing the things that I did. This was a vicious cycle that made me only want to drink more and more. I couldn't face reality anymore without the help of drink. I was stuck in a unhealthy relationship with an unhealthy addiction.
The years that followed my twenty first birthday were troublesome to say the least. I lived in public housing with my wife and my newborn child. We were always behind on our bills and always broke. Regularly borrowing from family and even friends to support ourselves or even selling questionable things to questionable people to make ends meet. We were living our lives in the most unhealthy ways. We were tired of living like that and we needed a change so my family suggested college. I was skeptical and not interested but my wife and my family persisted and had asked me to give it a try and that is when I found myself in Dillon. Once enrolled in college I was really enjoying myself there. I made friends and got a job as head of security at one of the biggest night clubs in town which boosted the number of friends I had. I am an introvert and my people skills are not that great and I am always worried that people hate me or that I am not doing anything right so that created much more anxiety and pressure on me to be right. Drinking always helped me with social pressures so I drank even more than I ever had. I started drinking way too much daily, several liters in just a matter of days. This drove my friends and family away. I drank to be more comfortable, but the more comfortable I became the more uncomfortable everyone around me became as well. When my wife and I were over,I went to the liquor store and bought a liter of scotch and began to drink heavily. I wasn't drinking to mask anything anymore, I wanted to die. I drank and drank until it almost did kill me. I woke up hospitalized with alcohol poisoning. When they asked me, I told them that I just drank to much and that it was a mistake. I didn't tell the hospital that I wanted to die. They released me to head home and I slept until I was better. Not four hours went by after I got home and I wanted to drink again so I headed to the bar. There was nothing to save me anymore, I was committed and entranced by the pull of drinking. I remember calling my mother drunk and crying. Asking her to please help me get my family back. She always told me to “just let them go.” Almost as if I had lost them for good. I hate my wife so very much for what she did and that is just the way it will always have to be. But I also hate myself more for doing to her and those kids what I did. I treated them like crap and I failed to learn from the mistake until now. She is vindictive and spiteful towards me and tells my children now how terrible their father is and how he is a failure and anything else she can think of to make me look as terrible as possible. But in reality I am a good father and I know that I am. I love my kids very much and I am only in a rut in my life and I actually am just now starting to get myself out.
What can I say, I have issues. I have been diagnosed all kinds of things without ever receiving a definitive answer from anyone until I met her. She has many of the same issues I do. She is happy one minute and torn the next. She can be so very worried on what me and others think of her and she constantly wants to know if I am OK. These traits can be enough to drive anyone crazy but one night she pointed out that I was the same way. We had a fight over her talking to someone and I was jealous because of the particular sex of this individual. Needless to say I threw a fit, and I told her how it made me feel. It hurt her feelings to hear me say that I didn't trust her and I realized just how much of an ass I was being. We talked about my feelings and then we talked about hers and we reached a middle ground as we usually do. She then immediately told me that I had BPD. She then began to tell me all of the symptoms of the disease and that I matched all of them. Its funny how I can spend my entire life just begging and begging for the answer for what the fuck is wrong with me and in one little fight with her, I find out. It was the strangest thing and it made me feel immediate relief but more stress as well. She has BPD as well, so we understand each other. We are very affectionate because we both desire and crave the affections to know that our relationship is healthy and happy.
I was drinking again when I met her. We hit it off great, we fell madly for each other and when I withheld information from her I realized that I was falling back into my old habits and I had to realize that my new partner was not my ex-wife, she was the part of me that I was missing. It hurt her when I lied and told her falsities about my life and I almost lost her. When I finally told her what was really wrong with me, when I finally broke down and told her that her man was a fuck up and a terrible person, she told me that I was wrong. Astonished I took it i stride wondering in my head if she really meant what she had said and I had to rationalize in my own mind just how she could possibly love me the way she does. She supported me when noody else would. Now I am sober again and I've also quit smoking because of her. I am stable and desperately in love with her. My family is a part of my life again and they all support me. Its amazing the turn around that I have made in such a short amount of time but I am confident that I can stay on this path so long as I have my best friend their to help me. She really is my everything and I owe all that I am now to her. Truly without my best friend I would still be in that dark place she found me in.