The Best Births of 2016

In a year that has seen some of our brightest lights extinguished, such as Prince, David Bowie, Leonard Cohen, and countless others; the rise and eventual election of Donald Trump; whatever Brexit is; and the continued closure of Sizzler restaurants all across Australia, there has to be some upside to 2016, right?

Well, while everyone has been so focused on the many tragic deaths of 2016, they may have overlooked the birth of many future world-leaders, including the first human to live on Mars. Below are some of the best births of 2016. There are a number of fairly major spoiler alerts, too, so tread carefully.

Cheryl Chambers — discoverer of dolphin powers

Turns out that while in 2016 we thought humans had dominion over the earth’s creatures, it was dolphins controlling things all along. Chambers — an Australian marine-biologist — discovered a system of underwater caves complete with vast libraries of dolphin history, which explains how for centuries they had used a complex mix of sonar, vibrations, tide-control, and pure cuteness to mind-wash humans into doing their bidding for them: sparking most world wars, causing the dumping of vast underground oil reserves into the ocean (which the dolphins use as energy; another Chambers discovery), triggering earthquakes and volcanoes at will — and wiping out their main competitor, the dodo bird.

Dr. Richard Reyman — the first man to end the systemic shortening of Richard to Dick

Reyman was a celebrated neurosurgeon, but will be forever seen as one of the world’s foremost civil rights campaigners after his long and hard-fought battle to end the shortening of his name to ‘Dick’. “It doesn’t even sound the same”, he memorably said in his legendary Nicknames not Dick-names speech to Congress. This legal milestone led to the end of the Elizabeth, Beth, Betty, Liz, Eliza, Betsy madness, too.

Dr. Carissa Estein — the scientist who discovered the multiverse

While theories of the multiverse have abounded for years, it was Dr. Carissa Estein who first discovered and was able to access an alternative timeline from November 2020, in which President LeBlanc was never elected, the 26-hour clock was never introduced, and where New Zealand and Australia were merged to become eventual world super-power Newstrayzaland.

345tommy — the first sentient A.I/human clone hybrid; future ambassador of world peace

Invented/birthed in a lab in November, 2016, and only revealed to the world via a Wikileaks dump in 2018, 345tommy (shortened to ‘345tom’ in 2032 for reasons involving “not being a little kid anymore” and “nobody understanding” him) was eventually able to achieve world peace — although the toll on human life it took to achieve this was immense. So much carnage.

Adolf Frensy — the pop star who finally brought the name ‘Adolf’ back in vogue.

Born to irony-loving Jewish parents without the burden of a moral compass, Frensy nevertheless went by the name Ad throughout his schooling life, which many assumed was an abbreviation of Adam, or Advent Calendar. But mostly Adam. In his 20s, he moved to African hipster-hub Zaire, formed a punk band, and decided to fully embrace the shock value of his name. By 2043, after his solo career took off, the name was listed in the Z-Times’ top ten names chosen for newborn males/sentient male A.I. companions. It continued to be popular throughout the century, with many parents not even realising the initial link to one of history’s darkest times.

Jean Ford — the scientist who cures cancer

Turns out it was milk causing it after all. Huh!

Shannya Gold — the first human to live on Mars

After successful having her skin fitted with titanium protection, and her blood replaced with a substance (invented in 2021 by the ApplePharma Institute) called iDNA, Gold became the first person to successfully live on Mars. She survived a mere seven days, but was able to achieve an astounding number of other ‘firsts’ while there, including the first Selfie from Mars, the first Christmas single written, recorded, and released from Mars (although the estate of Marvin Gaye later successfully sued, claiming the song’s use of “excess emoting” was pioneered by Gaye), and the first complete human organ shutdown without access to pain relief on Mars.

Adam Thomas — the guy who accidentally wiped the entire Internet

He just typed in the wrong command-line; it could have happened to any of us. But it was Adam Thomas who accidentally erased the collective knowledge of human history in 2040. Nobody thought to make physical copies of this stuff, as we all assumed someone else probably would/had. This led to Bic becoming the largest company in the world within one calendar year, and the State-governing of ‘Pen Licences’. |Instagram | Buy my book