First Lines of Short Stories I Wrote After Accidentally Taking Too Much Cough Syrup

Normally, just the thought of a McDonald’s hamburger was enough to give me diarrhea. It’s funny how 8 months can change a person.

I’m still not quite certain about all the steps of giving birth, but I’m sure that cockfighting is not one of them.

There are two things of which I was certain. Helen Mirren shouldn’t look that good, and I was in trouble.

It’s funny how you never notice how anti-semitic a statue can be, until you break one.

As the statues fell I couldn’t help but wonder, “Would this be my Flowers for Algernon moment?”

No matter what Guy Fieri says, a man can change his destiny.

Never in my life would I think that I would be voting for Harvey Danger, but here we are.

There’s only two truly pure and proper career options for a man. You can either become a monk, or go out to the woods and kill yourself.

When asked to define the essence of America, Albert Einstein quickly replied, “Elenor Roosevelt’s magnificent calves.”

The thing about Thetans is, no one really gives them credit for their contributions to the world of barbecue.

While he did not agree with the law, he did acknowledge that he had besmirched The Hobbit, and with that, he accepted his fate.

Let me know if there’s something in one of these. I might have written them by accident, but I’m willing to flesh one or two of these out.