Now That I am No Longer Governor, I Will Cut Down Every Tree in This State
A look at the concession speech a certain governor had prepared in case he lost his bid at re-election
My fellow Texans, it has been my honor and privilege to serve as your governor for these past eight years. I am so proud of all the amazing things that we have done for our great state. We are growing faster than any other state in these United States. Our economy is stronger than ever. We are driving business on a global scale. It is thanks to you that Texas is stronger and safer than ever.
It is with a heavy heart that I speak with you right now. I want to congratulate my opponent, the new governor-elect for his hard fought campaign. The voters of Texas have spoken, and I appreciate their desire to explore a new way of leadership. However, my mission, our mission is not over. In a sense, our mission is just now beginning. Starting tomorrow morning, I will begin focusing my energy on my chosen cause of cutting down every tree in Texas.
Ever since that day in 1984, I have been on a personal quest to remove every single tree between the Rio Grande and the Red River. Throughout my career, I have worked to make it possible for people and businesses all across Texas to be able to remove these arboreal devils. This is an intensely personal issue for me. I will not rest until each and every one of these barked menaces is pulped into timber products or burned in our hearths. At this very moment, some of our finest Fightin’ Texas A&M Aggie engineers are building a two-ton mech suit to help me clear cut the state. This glistening machine will allow me to traverse the state cutting down all manner of live oaks and elms. Equipped with a hydraulic system that provides sustained speeds of 30 miles per hour, with bursts of up to 47 miles per hour, this mech will provide me the ability to cover the vast area of our great state in a short amount of time. My favorite feature of this mech is the one that will be doing the majority of the work. Each arm of this gundam will have an 8 foot Husqvarna powered chainsaw. These long arms spinning at more than 115 feet per minute will cut through an 150 year old live oak less than a minute. I fully expect our great state to be rid of the evil foliage within the next three years.
For too long, our beloved state has been held hostage by these evil trees. My esteemed opponent talks on and on about the supposed benefits of trees. He’ll drone on about the things like “erosion control” and “oxygen.” Now we all know that these are a bunch of scare tactics from tree-hugging fear mongers. What my opponent doesn’t say is all of the destruction caused by these towering trunks of doom. I’ve talked with people from every part of Texas who have lost cars, homes, and loved ones to trees. With this new gundam, I will be able to fight for those oppressed by the oaken devils. As the chainsaw arms slice through the wood, I will be thinking of you my beloved Texans. Because of your support, I can pilot this amazing feat of engineering through our forests, leaving piles of timber in my wake. There will be no elm or oak, pecan or mesquite left standing when I am finished. Together, this mech suit and I will restore justice, peace, and hope.
Now, you may ask what you should do when you see me sprinting towards you in a 4-ton steel exoskeleton. As I approach, please do not try to stop me, or communicate in any way. This is for your safety as much as it is for my mission. Any slip in my concentration and the spinning chains may accidentally find their way into your body instead of the intended trees. I’ve never lost any appendages to a chainsaw, but I can’t imagine that it’s the most pleasant of experiences. I don’t want that for myself, and I don’t want it for you either. If for some reason you find yourself in my path, run as fast as you can at a horizontal angle to my direction. You should be at least 45 feat away from my center mass in order to ensure your safety. If there is not enough time to run, lie down as close to the ground as you can. Be aware of where I will be stepping and adjust accordingly. Keep in mind, each step of this mech suit can equal approximately 12-tons of force. You don’t want to get cut up, but you definitely don’t want to get crushed by the size 57 Lucchese boots that will be covering the feet of the suit.
It has been the biggest honor of my life to be able to serve as your governor. I am now looking forward to continuing to serve the people of Texas in this new capacity. With this mech suit, I will be able to do more for the state than was previously though possible. Each tree that I cut down, will be for our state. Each tree that I cut down will be for our children. Each tree I cut down will be for us. God bless you, and God bless the Great State of Texas.
